Wednesday, 25 June 2008

Support the girls

This is an open letter to all young women out there. Gentlemen, feel free to skip this post. I am sure it won’t interest you as I will only be talking about breasts.
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Ladies,

I see you in the mornings when I run in the park or in the evenings at the gym. You’re wearing tiny lycra shorts and camisole tops, showing off what the gods, genes and your workouts have given you. I see the looks you get from the males of the species and I understand your fashion choices. I don’t wear that kind of workout attire myself, but I don’t begrudge you doing so. To each her own. But let me tell you one thing about your outfit—wearing that push-up bra or no bra at all is doing you no favors in the long term.

You know where not properly supporting your ta-tas leads to? Work as a National Geographic cover model. You’ll soon have to invest in knee pads or greaves because your hooters are going to be swinging like tether balls and causing some serious damage in the process.

Gravity is already working against you. Don’t make it worse for yourself. There have been plenty of studies conducted on the degree of breast bounce during exercise (up to 8 inches of movement!) and the need for proper support. Hell, even the annoying Tyra Banks has done a show on this.

Trust me, in five to ten years you will be doing this in front of the mirror, just like me.*


And that mild an outcome is only for those of us smart enough to wear proper support.

Listen to Aunt Xenia. Unfortunately (or fortunately—depends on your perspective), I was one of those girls who went from flat to a B-cup in three seconds. No cute training bras with the little pink bows for me. Instead it was old-lady Playtex at the age of twelve. (yes, I’m still bitter). Then the damn things kept growing. Thankfully they stopped before reaching a double letter cup size like many other female members of my family.

But I digress.

Proper support doesn’t mean strapping your boobs down with duct tape. There are options in the on-going battle to retain your perkiness long past its natural expiration date. Depending on your breast size, these will vary, but for larger breasted women, you can invest in high quality sports bras from companies like Title Nine or Enell or go the cheaper route by buying cotton uni-boob-making bras and ‘double-bagging’ your girls. Sadly, I am currently forced to do the latter, but I am saving up my pennies to purchase more high-tech bras. If I were immune to chafing, I’d just bind my hooters down with some heavy-duty ace bandages. However I’m not, so I don’t.

For those with smaller cup sizes...well, this is a possible option. Whatever does the job, I guess.

Trust me, when your girls start heading south like the school slut’s dress (and dignity) on prom night, you’re going to wish you’d listened to me. Just ask yourself—do you really want to end up looking like this? The choice is yours.

Ciao tutti.

*Editor's note: The Sweetest Thing is a horrendously bad movie, but it does have a few worthy (low-brow) comedic moments buried amongst the craptasticness of Cameron ‘I overact in everything’ Diaz’s performance. I found a copy of the movie in the Walmart bargain bin and thought the deal was too good to pass up. Sue me.

17 comments:

Ted said...

Wooo.. I am glad I didn't skip this post. I have to say it was quite interesting. Very educational! Quite informative! I learn quite a lot from reading your post.

Shanna said...

LOL!!!! That was hysterical, yet sadly true!!! Whats up with the push up bras during workouts??? {exaggerated eye roll}

I must confess, I am one of those unfortunate souls, with the rather large..umm.. ta tas....defnitely not what its cracked up to be! After seeing the prices on the"hi-tech" bras, double bagging seems like the way to go!! ;)

Viper said...

I support your cause.

Another topic on your chest might be the idea of breast-powered devices.

No shit: http://www.slate.com/id/2193827/

Xenia said...

Viper--Holy shit! Although an intriguing idea (I would never have to replace my ipod battery again!), I could just see me electrocuting myself every time I went for a run. England isn't known for being gray and rainy for nothing.

Non-Runner Nancy said...

A HA HA HA HA HA - I'm crying. I hereby nominate this for post of the month, hands down.

If you're saving your pennies, I highly recommend Enell. :DD (that's a hint!) hee hee

Steve Stenzel said...

"Gentlemen, feel free to skip this post. I am sure it won’t interest you as I will only be talking about breasts."

YOU ARE CRAZY TO THINK THAT!!!

:)

Viv said...

I love the Enell but I have to double bag that too. I am saving my peenies to chop em off...I thought that movie was funny. I just like Christina whatevers her name is. Am I the only one who LMAO at the arm fat. The boobs not so much I wish I had the 28 gravity boobs she is talking about.

Marcy said...

OMG HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA ROFLMAO! AMEN SISTAH!! Unfortunately I don't even have a choice in the matter. I HAVE to wear a bra otherwise you'd see the Nat Geo cover model running down the street :-X I need to save myself the embarrassment.

RazZDoodle said...

What was the post about again? I stopped reading when you told me to.

Merry said...

Hey! What's my picture doing up on your blog? :-(

Good post, by the way :-)

Running Knitter said...

This is the best post! LOL!

Thanks! :)

Nitmos said...

Stop ruining it for half of us. I mean it.

P.O.M. said...

Oh no no no - I LOVED Sweetest Thing. Is that bad? The sad part is that it actually really represents my best friend and I. We are that crazy. I do agree that Diaz is a horribly actress though.

chia said...

I'm in a D, almost a DD, and the Champion Women's Powerback Wirefree Sports Bra is the cheapest form of non-chafing support I've found thus far. I do put a tight uniboob on over it because I'm a little self conscious letting the sistaz chill compartmentalized in a sheer top.

Great post ;-)

MizFit said...

I kinda loved that movie for the same reasons...and SORELY NEED NEW BRAS.

my tatas are crying out for one.

Miz.

The Laminator said...

Nice post, Xenia! I'll have to bookmark this so I can forward it to all my young lady patients who run.

Laura said...

Sorry so behind!

Just be glad you only double-bag. I'm cheap and I have to triple-bag them AND THEN wear a top with a built-in bra.