Tuesday, 29 July 2008

If you link to them, they will come

So my little rant yesterday about my inability to find BodyGlide in the UK yielded some nice results. First off, fellow expat Julia informed me of a shop in London which sells this lovely product. Fortunately I am off to the capital later this week to catch the Hadrian exhibit at the British Museum (check out Patrick Stewart narrating the promo video!) so I’ll be able to grab some before catching the train home.

I also received an email from the president of BodyGlide. You read that right, my friends. The president of BodyGlide, Mr Bill Sternoff himself, was kind enough to write an email directly to little old me letting me know which shops in the UK carry his wonderful products. Can we say rockin’ customer service? Yes, we can! The situation would only have been better had he actually offered to send me some for free, but since I am not the same caliber of shill as Vanilla, I can understand why the offer wasn’t made. Maybe some day, though I will admit my chances of being a BodyGlide-sponsored blogger are slim to none as I won’t even post regular photos of myself on my blog let alone before and after shots of my chafed boobage. Y’all need to go elsewhere for that kinky crap. Perhaps Steve's blog.

Though I was cursing myself at the time for creating yet another email account for me to deal with, I’m now glad I did. Some of you other wannabe product whores might want to think about doing the same. You never know who will end up contacting you for sponsorships deals! Or, you know, send you cease-and-desist letters. Whatever.

Since I feel like I’m on a roll of sorts, I’d like to take this opportunity to express my love for another wonderful company, Virgin Atlantic Airlines.

I have been a loyal and frequent flyer of your airline even before my move to the UK in 2005. Of all the direct flights available between Boston and London, Virgin provides probably the best service overall. The pièce de résistance? Individual screens for each passenger with a wide selection of movies, tv shows, games and music (all on demand) to entertain you during long-ass flights. It’s a freakin’ godsend, let me tell you! I almost never sleep on flights, mostly because there is always one or more screaming infants within two seats of me. They find me like little heat-seeking missiles, bent on torturing me for as much of the 7+ hour flight as they possibly can. Slapping on the headphones and zoning out to whatever entertainment tickles my fancy is the only thing that saves me from being tackled and taken into custody by the air marshal.

Am I happy that you started flying to Chicago, making it easier for me to visit my sister? Of course, though I admit I am perplexed as to why it is cheaper for me to fly from London to Chicago than it is to fly from London to Boston? Is there a way I can parachute out over Boston on a Chicago-bound flight to save me some money? Think about it and get back to me.

I admit I became bitter about your rather high prices and sometimes limited leg and seat room (I’m of average height and no longer a fat ass so I shouldn’t be having this issue, you dig!) and once tried to let’s say ‘stick it to you’ by going with a different airline. Well, after being forced to change my ticket and ending up back in your overpriced open arms once again, I learned my lesson. (Damn you, Richard Branson, you win again!)

This past Sunday, I dropped enough money on a round trip ticket with you guys to feed the population of an entire African nation for at least a year. Despite this, my loyalty to your airline remains strong (mostly because I am this freaking close to having enough miles to get a free round trip ticket).

I know asking for free international flights for life may be asking a wee bit too much. However, I am a very reasonable person and would gladly accept instead a free first class upgrade on my next flight. Please? Pretty please? With sugar on top?

I’ll be the bestest spokesperson ever! Just look at what I’m willing to do for your company should you comp me an upgrade:

  • I promise not to dress like an Afghan refugee / purveyor of the Big Issue on my next flight
  • Whilst drinking my complimentary champagne / orange juice, I will look sufficiently haughty while the poor suckers in economy are forcibly marched through upper class on their way to the sardine-like hellhole that is the rest of the plane
  • I will wear clothes with the word VIRGIN emblazoned on them, even a pair of trousers with the word boldly scrawled across the bum. Is there any better advertising than that? I would be the ultimate Virgin whore! (As well as the ultimate oxymoron.)

Come on, you know you want to! Hell, I sacrificed a cheaper flight with a layover in Iceland for you guys, so you owe me. Help a girl out here!

All right then. There endeth the pride-less begging.

But seriously, Richard, email me.

23 comments:

MizFit said...

you are TOO FUNNY.

on all levels.

me? Im off to link to a new car.

(although the flight idea is a pretty good one..I NEED a vay cay!)

Miz.

Kevin said...

Its funny how some companies must be out searching regularly for links. In one of my last posts I was talking about my marathon choices and one of the replies was from one of the people who runs one of the marathons telling me why I should chose his. No free entry though :(

Theresa said...

You passed over a layover in Iceland?!? *Shakes head in bafflement*

Marcy said...

Sweet!! I hope you get something (free tickets people! Are you reading out there! Xenia needs some free tickets!). Damn it, you deserve it after dealing with all this Brit cheapness.

Viper said...

I thought about the whole blog e-mail address, but I figure the lack of hate mail outweighs the benefits I might otherwise receive.

And now it is I tsking you.

Megan Hall said...

Awesome! THanks for linking the BodyGlide supplier - I'll be checking them out as I seem to have lost my only one. :( No free supplies, though, that's shameful!

tfh said...

Gee, I've never flown Virgin Atlantic, and probably never will, unless they do something extraordinary like upgrade you to first class or give you a free ticket or let you parachute out or all of the above things.

Otherwise, I'm sticking with Aeroflot.

Shanna said...

OMG, you are freakin' hilarious. That was the best (and only) post I've read written by a Virgin Whore!! LOL =D

BeachRunner said...

Great post. I know I would give you the first class upgrade.

Vanilla said...

Boy Xenia, you have a lot to learn about being a good shill. If you say nice things about Virgin Atlantic before they give you anything, then they have no reason to give you anything. This is why I get e-mails offering me free shoes and you get e-mails with directions to the nearest store.

Running Knitter said...

LOL! I will wait to hear what Virgin says to you. :)

Mark Salinas said...

Very funny! Use Vaseline?

Xenia said...

Vanilla--I did say I wasn't of your caliber. Teach me how to be utterly and completely amoral, Obi-Wan. You're my only hope. :)

RazZDoodle said...

Crap. What the hell was I going to post now? I was going to outwardly beg for sponsors. Thanks a lot. We need to coordinate before this happens again.

Laura said...

JetBlue sent me a $100 voucher after I blogged about a trip that was just slightly uncomfortable - amazing customer service, and they've definitely got me as a customer for life.

Virgin is supposed to have similarly great customer service, so my guess is if you can just come up with a minor problem you'll score a free RT!

Lily on the Road said...

Hey, don't knock it, Iceland has a Marathon!!!

hahahahaha

I think you should supply all of us with the ultimate oxymoron, bum scrawled, running shorts, Hell, if I'm stupid enough to run in a Speedo, who knows how my training will go....with Virgin pasted to my Derriere !!!

LMAO!!!

SJ Goody said...

Um... if nothing else, maybe you'll be asked to be a reviewer for one of Branson's WhiteKnight Two flights... to the moon! :)(http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2008/07/080728-white-knight.html)

SJ Goody said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Steve Stenzel said...

Yep, I'll FULL of that kinky crap.

Thanks for the link!! And funny post!!!

Ted said...

This is quite hilarious! Let's see what Sir Branson has to say! FYI - I have heard so much raves about Virgin Atlantic. They even offer massage for first class passengers. WTF? Here in Amerika, flying on any airlines in like being in a can of sardines.
AS for the body glide, use KY Jelly. :-) JK, LMAO!

Merry said...

Xenia, Xenia, shakes head
If I can post my picture up on Cranky Fitness then you can surely post an equally (or actually more lovely) picture of yourself up here.
I bet you would look good in a blue wig :)

And probably your lovely pic would catch Branson's eye...

(http://www.crankyfitness.com/2008/07/fun-shocking-truth-philosophy.html)

Non-Runner Nancy said...

Oh my god. I'm totally rolling.

Viv said...

LMAO directions to the local shop. Could they throw a chica a bone, (haha pun) anywhoo getcha an economy size in the mail or send it via Virgin Atlantic.