The Wizards of Blogland (Part 1)

There once was a girl named Xenia. Xenia was a graduate student. She spent her days chained to a desk in a room high up in a tower. Xenia’s only company were two other grad students, Frayed Laces and Meg. All three dreamed of the day when they could leave the university, their freedom granted in the form of a doctoral diploma and a boot out the door.

One day, as Xenia was yet again typing academic drivel on her laptop and trying to ignore the chafing of the shackles around her ankles, she wished for the umpteenth time that she was any place else but there. That’s when she heard a loud rumble in the distance. She looked out the small opening in the wall that passed for a window and saw a darkness that swept over the sky and blotted out the sun. Xenia became afraid. (Mostly because she was all alone in the tower as Frayed Laces and Meg were on their university-sanctioned and faculty-supervised three minute lunch and loo break.) Strong winds whipped around the tower making it sway and rain pelted in through the small window. All of a sudden the overhead light exploded, there was a loud screeching whistle and then all became dark and quiet.

Xenia awoke sprawled on the ground amidst the debris of the room. She looked up and noticed sunlight pouring in through the window. Standing up and dusting herself off, she made her way over to the window and looked out.

This can’t be, she thought to herself. Where am I?

Xenia ran over to the room’s door and flung it open. She saw before her a small town dotted with quaint cottages and well-manicured lawns. The sun was shining, birds were chirping and all seemed to be at peace.

She stepped out the door. Turning around, she noticed the top part of the turret she once inhabited had broken off and landed on the ground, but she was definitely not in University Land anymore. The conical roof of the turret had separated and crash-landed some fifty meters to the left. What shocked Xenia, though, were the legs sticking out from beneath the semi-collapsed roof.

‘Oh no!’ she cried, running over to the body. Before she could help whoever was trapped under the debris, she was stopped by a voice from behind her.

‘She’s not dead, ya know.’

Xenia turned around to see three women in a red Cadillac convertible.

‘How do you know?’

The brunette with green shorts and a Vegans Rule t-shirt hopped out of the Cadillac. ‘Because that’s Running Knitter. Notorious narcoleptic runner. She’s just taking a snooze.’

Xenia looked between Vegan girl and the body under the debris skeptically. ‘But the roof...’

‘No really, she’s fine. Just listen,’ said the second woman, exiting the car while tossing back her long sun-streaked hair. She was extremely elegant except for the fact that she appeared to have an uncontrollable urge to do jazz hands.

Xenia cocked her ear towards the body and finally heard a soft snoring sound. Relieved that her building hadn’t actually killed anyone, she turned back to her three conscious companions. ‘Who are you?’

‘We’re the Good Running Witches of North America,’ answered the driver of the car. ‘I’m Lily. The militant vegan over there is Chia and the beauty queen is POM.’ She nodded towards the sleeping body. ‘Running Knitter is a good running witch too. She heads up the southwest division.’

Perplexed, Xenia asked, ‘Where am I exactly?’

‘You’ve landed smack in the middle of Ohmyhooha’, stated POM.

‘Where?!’

‘Ohmyhooha. It’s in the middle of North America. Actually it’s more southern, but still centrally located,’ explained Lily.

‘But how did I get here?’

‘Tornado,’ said Chia, the other two nodding in agreement. ‘This area is prone to them, it being flat and all.’

‘Okay’, sighed Xenia, still confused. ‘How do I get home?’

The three running witches simultaneously looked at the wreck that was once Xenia’s dungeon-office then returned their gaze back to Xenia. ‘Do you really want to go back?’ they asked in unison.

‘Well, not really. But I’ll never be able to enjoy life and especially my running guilt-free until my dissertation is finished.’

‘Well then,’ said Lily, ‘you need to go and see the Wizards of Blogland.’

‘Who are they?’

Before anyone could answer, there was a shout of joy from behind them. Turning, Xenia spotted a man in a bright red running outfit (with the logo Ohmyhooha Corn Cobbers written across it) jauntily jogging over to them.

‘Oh,’ said Chia, ‘it’s Mayor Razzdoodle.’

The mayor smiled at them all and exclaimed, ‘Oooo, who do I have to thank for this newest tourist attraction in Ohmyhooha?’

‘Newest attraction?’ asked Xenia.

‘This structure will be a great addition to the Ohmyhooha Amusement Park. Oooo look, shackles!’ The mayor rubbed his hands together gleefully.

‘Sure,’ Xenia said warily. ‘You have fun with that.’ Leaving the mayor to his bizarre revelry, Xenia turned back to the witches and asked about the wizards again.

‘They’re all-powerful and the only ones who can help you achieve your goal,’ replied Lily.

That’s nice and vague, thought Xenia. Not wanting to insult her companions though, she kept it to herself. ‘So, where can I find these guys?’

‘They live in Nike Town. It’s only about ten miles from here,’ said POM.

‘Good, that’s close. Can you guys give me a lift?’

The witches looked at each other furtively. ‘Um, we can’t. We’ve gotta get somewhere for a meeting.’

‘What kind of meeting?’

‘Um, you know. An important business meeting, involving the exchange of cash for services rendered.’

Curious, Xenia asked, ‘What kind of services?’

‘Well, like, um, tebble dinces...’ mumbled Chia.

‘Tebble dinces? You mean table dances. You all are ditching me here to go shove bills into some guy's g-string?’

‘Kid, it’s two-for-one at the Chippendale’s bar tonight and Mr. Bubble Butt is performing. It’s a can’t-miss evening,’ said Lily.

‘So how am I supposed to get to Nike Town?’

‘Duh,’ said POM. ‘Run there.’

‘But I’m not wearing my running shoes!’ shrieked Xenia. (Xenia was under a lot of stress, she’s allowed to shriek a little.)

Chia nodded towards the still sleeping Running Knitter. ‘Take her shoes. She won’t mind. She’s used to having her shoes nicked by the time she wakes up anyway.’

Luckily, Xenia and Running Knitter had the same size feet, so the shoes (a spiffy pair of Asics) fit perfectly. Xenia was also quite taken with the narcoleptic’s socks, so she took those too. Laced up, she turned back towards the witches who had by now all piled back into the Cadillac.

‘Which way to Nike Town?’ she asked.

Lily pointed to the left. ‘Just follow the yellow track road.’

(TO BE CONTINUED)

UPDATE:
Here is the rest of the story:
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

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Yes, I think it's safe to say I've lost my ever-loving mind. Either that or I was completely out of blog material so I pulled something random out of my ass. Feel free to speculate about who I've cast in future roles. I'm going to try to torture incorporate as many of you as possible into the story before the week's out.

Ci vediamo dopo.