Wednesday, 23 July 2008

The Wizards of Blogland (Part 5)

[Editor’s note: It’s a looooooooooooong post, people. Put the office phone on hold, grab a coffee and lock your door. This is gonna take some time. If you are new to the 'Wizards of Blogland' story, read parts 1, 2, 3 and 4 first. Unless you like ruining the endings of stories for yourself, then by all means read on but at your own confusing peril.]

Xenia, Marcy, Nitmos and Viper finally made their way into the city limits of Nike Town. The streets were teeming with athletes and sports enthusiasts. Three women cycled past the quartet, their bikes emblazoned with their names: Viv, Merry and MissAllyCat. Evidently forgetting the results of his last amorous encounter, Viper smiled suavely at the cyclists.

‘Afternoon, pretty ladies.’

Not to be outdone, Nitmos flashed a cheeky grin, using his hands as imaginary pistols to shoot at the women. ‘How you doin’?

The female cyclists smartly raised their eyebrows at the men, and particularly at Viper's My Little Pony bandaids, before haughtily turning away. Nimos and Viper looked rather dejected.

‘Twits,’ said Marcy to the guys.

As Viper and Nitmos argued about proper pick-up techniques, Xenia and Marcy approached a women with Nancy written on the sleeve of her running shirt.

‘Hi,’ said Xenia. ‘Do you know how we can find the Wizards of Blogland?’

‘Sure,’ she replied cheerily. ‘Just walk two more blocks down this street then take a right onto Izumi Road and the building will be one block down on the left. Can’t miss it. It has a gigantic neon sign.’

‘Thanks,’ said the girls.

Noticing the new woman in their midst, Viper and Nitmos were about to try out their pick-up lines once again until Xenia and Marcy dragged them away, sparing the poor woman. They trekked the three blocks quickly and were soon standing before the building. The woman was right, you couldn’t miss the building unless you were blind. The neon sign spelling out ‘Wizards of Blogland’ was at least 30 feet tall.

Subtle, thought Xenia to herself.

The four of them passed through the revolving door and entered into a large foyer with one lone desk in the center staffed by a single woman. A woman with the most impressive guns any of them had ever seen. The name plate on her desk read Miz Fit.

‘Hi, we’re here to see the Wizards,’ said Xenia.

‘Do you have an appointment?’ asked Miz Fit.

‘Erm, no.’

‘Then you cannot see the Wizards.’

‘Can we make an appointment?’ asked Marcy.

‘Of course.’ Miz Fit opened the day planner on the desk and flipped through the pages. ‘How about October?’

October? But that’s three months away!’

‘October 2009,’ corrected Miz Fit.

‘Isn’t there any time we can see them today? Our issues are rather urgent.’

“No.’

The quartet was disheartened. How were they going to meet with the Wizards?

Luckily, Nitmos’ body began to make a loud rumble, signaling the imminent release of ass-fruit. In a moment of genius, Marcy swung Nitmos around so his bum pointed directly at Miz Fit. ‘Lady, something fruity is going to come shooting out of his colon at high speeds in just a few seconds. Either let us in to see the Wizards or prepare yourself to be ass-fruited.’

Xenia and Viper looked on their comrade with admiration while Nitmos’s face was a mask of concentration as he prepared for launch.

Unaware of the true danger she was in, Miz Fit scoffed at the group of them. ‘I will not let you in to see the Wizards without an appointment,’ she stated firmly.

Suddenly a nectarine shot out whizzing by Miz Fit’s ear before smashing into the wall behind her. The woman’s eyes widened in horror both at what she had just witnessed and for almost being shot with ass-fruit.

‘Oh crap, here comes another one,’ groaned Nitmos.

‘OKAY, OKAY!’ shouted Miz Fit, getting up and running to the door cleverly concealed behind her. ‘You can see the Wizards now!’

Marcy whirled Nitmos around again so that he wouldn’t harm any of them with the next shot. In seconds, a cherry plopped out but with little force. Nitmos looked down at it in disappointment. ‘Should have had more distance,’ he mumbled to himself.

A harried Miz Fit ushered them quickly into the room and shut the door. The four runners found themselves in a plush office. The room was circular with several doors leading out of it. In the center was a huge mahogany desk. Behind the desk was seated a man perusing a Victoria’s Secret catalogue. The name plate on his desk read ‘Vanilla – Head Wizard’. Upon the entrance of the runners, he quickly tossed the catalogue into a desk drawer, shutting it briskly.

‘Who are you and how did you get in here without an appointment?’ demanded Vanilla.

‘We’re four runners who really need the Wizards’ help,’ said Xenia.

‘You need an appointment,’ Vanilla stated emphatically.

‘There’s no time for appointments, homie!’ shouted Marcy. ‘Homeboy over there has an explosive ass. We need our problems resolved before his ass goes really haywire and takes us all out.’

Presented with such an urgent and disturbing situation, Vanilla decided to skip the formalities and get straight to the point. ‘So, besides the malfunctioning colon, what other issues are there that need sorting out?’

‘I need a new crotch,’ said Marcy.

‘I need new nipples,’ said Viper.

‘I also need some non-cramping calves,’ said Nitmos.

‘I need a dissertation,’ said Xenia.

Vanilla looked at Xenia quizzically. Worried, Xenia added, ‘The Good Running Witches said you’d be able to help me.’

Vanilla humphed. ‘Wait here a minute. I’ll be right back.’

He disappeared into one of the many doors. The four runners waited around nervously. Two minutes later, Vanilla re-entered the room hurriedly, slamming the door behind him. Muffled voices could be heard behind it.

‘Who’s in there?’ asked Viper.

‘No one. Pay no attention to the men behind the door,’ said Vanilla.

Vanilla was carrying what looked like a gigantic metal chastity belt complete with a plethora of latches, switches and gadgets attached to it. Placing it on the floor, he looked over at Marcy. ‘Okay, miss. Here we have the Groininator. A fabulous invention of mine,’ he gloated. ‘Should fix you right up. Just step right in. We’ll situate it on your area and presto, a new groin!’

Staring warily at the contraption, Marcy gingerly stepped into it. Vanilla then helped Marcy lift it up and lock it into place. ‘Now let’s see..’ he murmured. ‘I think I just need to flip these two switches.’

‘You think?!’ said Marcy nervously.

Before she could stop him, Vanilla went ahead and flipped the switches. Instantly, Marcy began to grimace in pain. ‘Shut it off! Shut it off! NOW!’ she screamed.

Vanilla fumbled around but finally turned the machine off at which point Marcy promptly decked him.

As Vanilla lay sprawled on the floor rubbing his jaw, the door he had entered through burst open. Two men came rushing into the room. ‘You didn’t throw those two switches, right?’ one asked Vanilla.

The runners all stared at the new arrivals. Both men were wearing white lab coats with the names Ted and Laminator embroidered on the front. The one named Ted was also sporting some headgear with a plastic faceguard.

‘Who are you guys?’ asked Nitmos.

‘We’re the Wizards of Blogland,’ answered Laminator.

‘How many of you are there?’ asked Viper.

‘Just the three of us,’ said Ted.

‘I specialize in correcting medical issues,’ stated Laminator.

‘I’m an inventor,’ said Ted.

‘So what do you do?’ Marcy asked Vanilla.

‘I’m the brains of the operation.’

The four runners stared at him in disbelief.

‘Hey,’ he grumbled. ‘Do you think it’s easy getting an outfit like this off the ground? Someone’s had to advertize, get our name out there, get sponsors. Without me, there wouldn’t be a Wizards of Blogland.’

‘So you’re a schyster,’ said Xenia.

‘No, I’m a businessman. There’s a difference.’

‘Not much,’ mumbled Marcy. ‘I’d like to request someone competent to operate this groin machine or else I’m suing.’

Miffed at the affront to his pride (though obviously true), Vanilla sullenly sat on the edge of his desk as Laminator went to work pressing buttons on the Groininator. Immediately there was a humming sound and then a pinging noise, very much like that of a microwave. Laminator unlatched the Groininator and took it off Marcy. Marcy immediately began bouncing around to test out her new groin. All was working perfectly.

She beamed at Laminator. ‘Thanks so much! It feels better than new!’

‘It should be. Your groin is now made of nearly weightless gold.’

‘What?’ Marcy looked down her shorts and saw the bright glow emanating from her nether region. ‘Holy crap, I have a golden hooha!’ she exclaimed.

Nitmos and Viper sidled over to try to get a look for themselves, but Marcy snapped her shorts back into place and glared at the guys. They didn’t even have the decency to look sheepish.

‘Who’s next?’ asked Ted.

Viper stepped forward. ‘I need new nipples.’ As he said it, he took off the My Little Pony bandaids. Everyone in the room gasped in horror at the sight (even Xenia and Marcy though they knew what to expect). All the men then preceded to cover their own nipples with their hands as if suffering sympathy pains. However, Ted recovered quickly.

‘We have just the thing,’ he declared.

He ran back through the door then reemerged with two suction cup-like contraptions. He placed them over Viper’s craters and pressed some random buttons. Again there was a pinging sound when the process was finished. Ted removed the cups to reveal Viper’s new silver-looking nipples.

‘Oooooo’ cooed Viper.

‘They’re made of adamantium,’ explained Ted. ‘Chafe-proof. Guaranteed for life.’

Viper was quite pleased with his new nipples, but even more so when Ted presented him with attachable tassels. He placed them on and gave them a whirl. As he continued to fondle his resurrected nipples, Nitmos turned to the Wizards.

‘Me next, me next,’ he chanted.

‘And what do you need?’ asked Laminator.

‘I need non-cramping calves and the pooping-chocolate-covered-strawberry-spell fixed.’

‘Ah, I thought I recognized you,’ said Vanilla to Nitmos.

Laminator ran back through the door and returned with what looked like greaves and a metal sumo diaper. Ted and Laminator strapped the gadgets onto Nitmos and in seconds their work was done. Once the machines were removed, Nitmos ran a circuit around the room, stopped, squatted and shat out a pristine chocolate covered strawberry. He picked it up, took a sniff then popped the whole thing into his mouth, chewing with evident pleasure, while everyone else in the room tried to hold back their gag reflexes.

Three down, Ted turned towards Xenia. ‘And you?’

‘I need a dissertation.’

Ted frowned. ‘I’m sorry, but I can’t help you with that one.’ He turned to Laminator who shrugged his shoulders. ‘Sorry.’

In desperation, Xenia turned towards Vanilla. ‘Can you do anything?’

‘Nope. That’s something no one can do for you. You just have to do it yourself.’

Xenia felt deflated and hung her head in despair. Marcy came over and patted her arm in sympathy. ‘You can do it, chica. I know you can,’ she said reassuringly.

Sighing, Xenia looked up at the Wizards. ‘Well, can you help me get home then?’

Ted perked up. ‘That we can definitely do!’ He once again trotted through the door and came back with what looked like a James Bond jet pack.

Xenia eyed it warily. ‘I’m not sure that’s a good idea. I’m not really coordinated.’

‘Not to worry. Anyone can operate this thing. See here,’ Ted walked over to Vanilla and against his will strapped the jet pack onto him. ‘All you have to do is press this button and...’ Ted accidentally pressed the button and Vanilla immediately shot straight up through the ceiling and was gone. Everyone in the room looked up through the gaping ceiling hole in wonder.

‘Hmm,’ said Ted, ‘should have fixed that hair trigger.’

‘What am I going to do now?’ asked Xenia. Laminator and Ted pondered Xenia’s situation. Looking at the floor, Laminator saw Xenia’s shoes and asked, ‘Are those Running Knitter’s Asics?’

‘Um, er, yeah, I think so,’ Xenia hedged.

‘You have your way home then. Just close your eyes, click your heels three times and say ‘There’s no place like Blogland’ three times and you’ll be home.’

‘That’s all I have to do?’ asked Xenia incredulously. ‘Why didn’t the Running Witches tell me this?’

‘Today is two-for-one at the Chippendale’s bar. Things like this slip their mind on those days.’

Xenia swore under her breath. Having released her ire, she turned to her travel companions. ‘Well, if this works, I won’t be seeing you again. Have nice lives.’

Nitmos and Viper nodded their farewells.

‘Take care, chica. And good luck!’ said a teary-eyed Marcy.

With a last wave, Xenia closed her eyes and clicked the heels of her shoes three times.

‘There’s no place like Blogland. There’s no place like Blogland. There’s no place like Bl...’

Xenia. Xenia! Wake up!’

Xenia felt her shoulder being shook. The jostling and the insistent voice brought her out of the fog. Still rather drowsy, she slowly raised her head, turning to see Meg next to her with a curious Frayed Laces looking over her shoulder. She quickly looked around her and realized she was back in her tower office sitting at her desk. Everything looked as it had before the tornado. Xenia was very confused.

‘What happened?’ she asked.

‘You fell asleep.’

‘How long have I been gone?’

Frayed Laces and Meg looked at each other in confusion. ‘What do you mean how long have you been gone? You haven’t gone anywhere. You just fell asleep. We just got back from lunch break and found you taking a nap at your desk,’ explained Meg.

‘It must have been a dream,’ said Xenia.

‘What was a dream?’ asked Frayed Laces.

Xenia tried to summarize the events of her dream to her colleagues.

They both blinked at her in stunned silence.

‘She’s totally looney tunes,’ mumbled Meg to Frayed Laces.

Xenia frowned at Meg.

‘Were we in the dream with you?’ asked Frayed Laces.

‘Kind of. Victory looked like an amalgamation of the two of you.’

Frayed Laces and Meg were immediately affronted. ‘You cast us as the bitch of the story?! Thanks a lot.’

‘For big fat nothing,’ added Meg with emphasis.

Xenia tried to apologize to her friends, but they were having none of it. Before they stalked off, Frayed Laces plunked a package down onto Xenia’s desk. ‘Here. A parcel came for you in the mail,’ she said begrudgingly.

‘Thanks,’ said Xenia meekly, as Frayed Laces and Meg sat down at their desks and got back to their research.

Sighing, Xenia turned back to her desk and looked at the package. She hadn’t ordered anything nor was she expecting a present from anyone, so the package was a mystery. She looked at the upper left hand corner to see the sender listed as ‘V. Von Imanass’. She had no idea who that was, but decided to open the package anyway.

Inside, cocooned in bubble wrap, was a plaque. Xenia removed it from the box and examined it with a sinking feeling of dread. The plaque read: ‘First place, Ohmyhooha-Nike Town Ten Miler’.

It may have been her imagination, but she swore she heard a faint cackling laugh in the distance. Quickly, Xenia looked down at her feet and saw that she was still wearing Running Knitter’s Asics and socks.

At that moment Xenia realized her battle with Victory had only just begun.

Shit.’

THE END

--------------------------------------

There you have it—the completed tale of the 'Wizards of Blogland'. Since I only received a few threats of bodily harm because of it, I’m counting this venture as a win.

I want to thank you all for your interest, encouragement and patience. I especially want to thank Nitmos and Viper for being such good sports. I obviously did not torture Vanilla as much as he deserves, so I’ve already slated him for a principal role in the next story. For some reason, Little Red Riding Hood and Hansel and Gretel come to mind, but if I choose the latter, then either Nitmos or Viper are going to have to co-star. Gentlemen, you can fight amongst yourselves about who will don the pigtails and running skirt.

However that probably won’t happen for another few months. Writing W.O.B. took a huge chunk of time and now I need to catch up with my real life work and prep for my research trip before I attempt another story. I have a feeling the wait might be for the best anyway.

Ci vediamo dopo. (See you later)

21 comments:

Marcy said...

I can soooo picture this :
"Nitmos flashed a cheeky grin, using his hands as imaginary pistols to shoot at the women" LMAO!

Awwwwhhhhhh that was fantabulous!! I loved it! Awesome story chica! I'll have to read the whole thing to the kiddies before bedtime :P

Running Knitter said...

Loved it! :)

Viper said...

If only there were motors for these tassels. I'm going to have to grow man-tits to get them to spin properly.

Nicely done.

Since Nitmos has the hooha, I'll let him wear the skirt.

Vanilla said...

Who's the Head Wizzard of Blogland? That's Right! I'm the Head Wizzard of Blogland!

Excellent work Xenia! I thought for sure that I was going to be wearing a skirt. "Pay no attention to the man behind the skirt-ain."

Nitmos said...

Bravo!

I'm not offended but I wouldn't be opening any mysterious packages that come from MI for awhile. Just sayin.

Hmmm, I was envisioning Vanilla staring solo in the Hunchback of Colorado. Though Viper would make a good Esmerelda.

Nicely done. Can you submit this as your dissertation?

Reid said...

I tuned in a little late, but I've caught up and I loved the story. A great way to pass the time at work! Can't wait for the sequel!

P.O.M. said...

Yippy! That was terrif.
But maybe... just maybe you're Dissertation would almost be done if ... oh you know that already.

Thanks for the entertainment!

Laura said...

Great story! And good luck with Victory ;)

Candis said...

That's funny- Vanilla did all my homework for me in college. You just have to know how to bribe a wizard :)

Nice characterization of him- very funny.

Great story!

Ted said...

This has to be the funniest thing I have read in a long time. Well.. First of all, I am glad Viper likes his new nipples especially the tassels. *muffled laughter* Sorry that Vanilla had to go through the roof! And lastly, I am sorry that I couldn't help you with your dissertation.

*Terrific story* Got enuff stitches from laughing!

The Laminator said...

Loved the story, Xenia! I'm sorry I couldn't help with your dissertation too! I can believe I have the ability to operate a golden hooha but couldn't help you with the dissertation. Still, I'm glad I got to play a role in getting you home.

Merry said...

Well-written, insightful, 'counterpoints the surrealism of the underlying metaphor'... I'd have to say Two Thumbs Up :)

Xenia said...

Marcy—That’s not exactly how I imagined I would influence younger generations, but I’ll take what I can get. :)

Running Knitter—If I’d planned it out better, I would have had you regain consciousness at the end. There’s always next time. :)

Viper—If you grow man-boobs and take up tassel twirling, there must be photographic proof. Preferably video.

Vanilla—Maybe one day I’ll edit this and put you in a skirt.

Nitmos—I wish I could submit this for my diss. It’s almost twice as long as the chapter I’m currently working on. Also, thanks for the Hunchback suggestion.

Reid—There is no late here at Diggin’ It, just not on time. Thanks for stopping by.

POM—You speak the truth...but I still choose to ignore it. :)

Candis—Thanks!! Now if Mrs. Nitmos left a comment too, I think my writing career would be complete.

Ted & Lam—Glad I could make you guys laugh.

Merry—Quoting Douglas Adams, huh? High praise, indeed!

MizFit said...

OMG you are too funny and TOO FREAKIN TALENTED!!

Lily on the Road said...

That was AMAZING!!! OMG, Good job!! Too, too, TOO funny...

‘That’s all I have to do?’ asked Xenia incredulously. ‘Why didn’t the Running Witches tell me this?’

‘Today is two-for-one at the Chippendale’s bar. Things like this slip their mind on those days.’

Sorry to have made you go through the whole exercise while I was sidetracked by the two for one drinky's at Chippendale's....but a good running witch sometimes has a "devil of a sense of humour"!!!

That was just Awesome!!!

'the castle' is the FAIRMONT CHâTEAU LAURIER, http://www.fairmont.com/laurier

In an earlier post there are some really nice pic's from one of our 32K runs....blah, blah, blah....

Back to YOU! That was a great read, now get back to your dissertation....!!!

Meg said...

I love it! If only my the dreams I had passed out at my desk were that entertaining!

Frayed Laces said...

Great practice for your dissertation! Way to give us all an excuse to escape from research, at least for a few minutes...

Viv said...

Awesome story. I bet it took time, my gosh. Are you sure you can't use this for the disertation(I can't even spell it, embarrasing)

OMG in my funk I have missed the finale of 'The Wizards of Blogland"
I love that I cycled by fast...hehehe and Nitmos did some creepy how ya doin with
pistol hands, & Marcy saying Twits (classic word)WTF! ROFLMAO!
Nancy being so cheerful, so Nanc.

Jenn N Butter said...

So did you ever get that dissertation done, was it perhaps about golden hooha's and silver nips with tassles. Loved the story, read them all today and think I may read them again. Too Funny!

Jenn

Non-Runner Nancy said...

Cheery me giving directions. I can't believe I just met Viper, Nitmos, Xenia and Marcy! Oh man. That was great. Glad I got a part. :D

So glad I found this playing catch up in the blog roll!

MissAllycat said...

I'm also just playing catch up on the blog roll...LOVE the story!! Thanks for including me! :)

I think Vanilla would make a decent "Big Bad Wolf" - especially since he has a penchant for wearing womens clothing (aka running skirts)...so it wouldn't be much of a stretch for him to put on Granny's nightgown. :)