[Editor’s note: It’s a looooooooooooong post, people. Put the office phone on hold, grab a coffee and lock your door. This is gonna take some time. If you are new to the 'Wizards of Blogland' story, read parts 1, 2, 3 and 4 first. Unless you like ruining the endings of stories for yourself, then by all means read on but at your own confusing peril.]
‘Afternoon, pretty ladies.’
Not to be outdone, Nitmos flashed a cheeky grin, using his hands as imaginary pistols to shoot at the women. ‘How you doin’?’
The female cyclists smartly raised their eyebrows at the men, and particularly at Viper's My Little Pony bandaids, before haughtily turning away. Nimos and Viper looked rather dejected.
‘Twits,’ said Marcy to the guys.
As Viper and Nitmos argued about proper pick-up techniques,
‘Sure,’ she replied cheerily. ‘Just walk two more blocks down this street then take a right onto Izumi Road and the building will be one block down on the left. Can’t miss it. It has a gigantic neon sign.’
‘Thanks,’ said the girls.
Noticing the new woman in their midst, Viper and Nitmos were about to try out their pick-up lines once again until
The four of them passed through the revolving door and entered into a large foyer with one lone desk in the center staffed by a single woman. A woman with the most impressive guns any of them had ever seen. The name plate on her desk read Miz Fit.
‘Hi, we’re here to see the Wizards,’ said
‘Do you have an appointment?’ asked Miz Fit.
‘Then you cannot see the Wizards.’
‘Can we make an appointment?’ asked Marcy.
‘Of course.’ Miz Fit opened the day planner on the desk and flipped through the pages. ‘How about October?’
‘October? But that’s three months away!’
‘October 2009,’ corrected Miz Fit.
‘Isn’t there any time we can see them today? Our issues are rather urgent.’
The quartet was disheartened. How were they going to meet with the Wizards?
Luckily, Nitmos’ body began to make a loud rumble, signaling the imminent release of ass-fruit. In a moment of genius, Marcy swung Nitmos around so his bum pointed directly at Miz Fit. ‘Lady, something fruity is going to come shooting out of his colon at high speeds in just a few seconds. Either let us in to see the Wizards or prepare yourself to be ass-fruited.’
Unaware of the true danger she was in, Miz Fit scoffed at the group of them. ‘I will not let you in to see the Wizards without an appointment,’ she stated firmly.
Suddenly a nectarine shot out whizzing by Miz Fit’s ear before smashing into the wall behind her. The woman’s eyes widened in horror both at what she had just witnessed and for almost being shot with ass-fruit.
‘Oh crap, here comes another one,’ groaned Nitmos.
‘OKAY, OKAY!’ shouted Miz Fit, getting up and running to the door cleverly concealed behind her. ‘You can see the Wizards now!’
Marcy whirled Nitmos around again so that he wouldn’t harm any of them with the next shot. In seconds, a cherry plopped out but with little force. Nitmos looked down at it in disappointment. ‘Should have had more distance,’ he mumbled to himself.
A harried Miz Fit ushered them quickly into the room and shut the door. The four runners found themselves in a plush office. The room was circular with several doors leading out of it. In the center was a huge mahogany desk. Behind the desk was seated a man perusing a
‘Who are you and how did you get in here without an appointment?’ demanded Vanilla.
‘We’re four runners who really need the Wizards’ help,’ said
‘You need an appointment,’ Vanilla stated emphatically.
‘There’s no time for appointments, homie!’ shouted Marcy. ‘Homeboy over there has an explosive ass. We need our problems resolved before his ass goes really haywire and takes us all out.’
Presented with such an urgent and disturbing situation, Vanilla decided to skip the formalities and get straight to the point. ‘So, besides the malfunctioning colon, what other issues are there that need sorting out?’
‘I need a new crotch,’ said Marcy.
‘I need new nipples,’ said Viper.
‘I also need some non-cramping calves,’ said Nitmos.
‘I need a dissertation,’ said
Vanilla looked at
Vanilla humphed. ‘Wait here a minute. I’ll be right back.’
He disappeared into one of the many doors. The four runners waited around nervously. Two minutes later, Vanilla re-entered the room hurriedly, slamming the door behind him. Muffled voices could be heard behind it.
‘Who’s in there?’ asked Viper.
‘No one. Pay no attention to the men behind the door,’ said Vanilla.
Vanilla was carrying what looked like a gigantic metal chastity belt complete with a plethora of latches, switches and gadgets attached to it. Placing it on the floor, he looked over at Marcy. ‘Okay, miss. Here we have the Groininator. A fabulous invention of mine,’ he gloated. ‘Should fix you right up. Just step right in. We’ll situate it on your area and presto, a new groin!’
Staring warily at the contraption, Marcy gingerly stepped into it. Vanilla then helped Marcy lift it up and lock it into place. ‘Now let’s see..’ he murmured. ‘I think I just need to flip these two switches.’
‘You think?!’ said Marcy nervously.
Before she could stop him, Vanilla went ahead and flipped the switches. Instantly, Marcy began to grimace in pain. ‘Shut it off! Shut it off! NOW!’ she screamed.
Vanilla fumbled around but finally turned the machine off at which point Marcy promptly decked him.
As Vanilla lay sprawled on the floor rubbing his jaw, the door he had entered through burst open. Two men came rushing into the room. ‘You didn’t throw those two switches, right?’ one asked Vanilla.
The runners all stared at the new arrivals. Both men were wearing white lab coats with the names Ted and Laminator embroidered on the front. The one named Ted was also sporting some headgear with a plastic faceguard.
‘Who are you guys?’ asked Nitmos.
‘We’re the Wizards of Blogland,’ answered Laminator.
‘How many of you are there?’ asked Viper.
‘Just the three of us,’ said Ted.
‘I specialize in correcting medical issues,’ stated Laminator.
‘I’m an inventor,’ said Ted.
‘So what do you do?’ Marcy asked Vanilla.
‘I’m the brains of the operation.’
The four runners stared at him in disbelief.
‘Hey,’ he grumbled. ‘Do you think it’s easy getting an outfit like this off the ground? Someone’s had to advertize, get our name out there, get sponsors. Without me, there wouldn’t be a Wizards of Blogland.’
‘So you’re a schyster,’ said
‘No, I’m a businessman. There’s a difference.’
‘Not much,’ mumbled Marcy. ‘I’d like to request someone competent to operate this groin machine or else I’m suing.’
Miffed at the affront to his pride (though obviously true), Vanilla sullenly sat on the edge of his desk as Laminator went to work pressing buttons on the Groininator. Immediately there was a humming sound and then a pinging noise, very much like that of a microwave. Laminator unlatched the Groininator and took it off Marcy. Marcy immediately began bouncing around to test out her new groin. All was working perfectly.
She beamed at Laminator. ‘Thanks so much! It feels better than new!’
‘It should be. Your groin is now made of nearly weightless gold.’
‘What?’ Marcy looked down her shorts and saw the bright glow emanating from her nether region. ‘Holy crap, I have a golden hooha!’ she exclaimed.
Nitmos and Viper sidled over to try to get a look for themselves, but Marcy snapped her shorts back into place and glared at the guys. They didn’t even have the decency to look sheepish.
‘Who’s next?’ asked Ted.
Viper stepped forward. ‘I need new nipples.’ As he said it, he took off the My Little Pony bandaids. Everyone in the room gasped in horror at the sight (even
‘We have just the thing,’ he declared.
He ran back through the door then reemerged with two suction cup-like contraptions. He placed them over Viper’s craters and pressed some random buttons. Again there was a pinging sound when the process was finished. Ted removed the cups to reveal Viper’s new silver-looking nipples.
‘Oooooo’ cooed Viper.
‘They’re made of adamantium,’ explained Ted. ‘Chafe-proof. Guaranteed for life.’
Viper was quite pleased with his new nipples, but even more so when Ted presented him with attachable tassels. He placed them on and gave them a whirl. As he continued to fondle his resurrected nipples, Nitmos turned to the Wizards.
‘Me next, me next,’ he chanted.
‘And what do you need?’ asked Laminator.
‘I need non-cramping calves and the pooping-chocolate-covered-strawberry-spell fixed.’
‘Ah, I thought I recognized you,’ said Vanilla to Nitmos.
Laminator ran back through the door and returned with what looked like greaves and a metal sumo diaper. Ted and Laminator strapped the gadgets onto Nitmos and in seconds their work was done. Once the machines were removed, Nitmos ran a circuit around the room, stopped, squatted and shat out a pristine chocolate covered strawberry. He picked it up, took a sniff then popped the whole thing into his mouth, chewing with evident pleasure, while everyone else in the room tried to hold back their gag reflexes.
Three down, Ted turned towards
‘I need a dissertation.’
Ted frowned. ‘I’m sorry, but I can’t help you with that one.’ He turned to Laminator who shrugged his shoulders. ‘Sorry.’
‘Nope. That’s something no one can do for you. You just have to do it yourself.’
Ted perked up. ‘That we can definitely do!’ He once again trotted through the door and came back with what looked like a James Bond jet pack.
‘Not to worry. Anyone can operate this thing. See here,’ Ted walked over to Vanilla and against his will strapped the jet pack onto him. ‘All you have to do is press this button and...’ Ted accidentally pressed the button and Vanilla immediately shot straight up through the ceiling and was gone. Everyone in the room looked up through the gaping ceiling hole in wonder.
‘Hmm,’ said Ted, ‘should have fixed that hair trigger.’
‘What am I going to do now?’ asked
‘Um, er, yeah, I think so,’
‘You have your way home then. Just close your eyes, click your heels three times and say ‘There’s no place like Blogland’ three times and you’ll be home.’
‘That’s all I have to do?’ asked
‘Today is two-for-one at the Chippendale’s bar. Things like this slip their mind on those days.’
Nitmos and Viper nodded their farewells.
‘Take care, chica. And good luck!’ said a teary-eyed Marcy.
With a last wave,
‘There’s no place like Blogland. There’s no place like Blogland. There’s no place like Bl...’
‘What happened?’ she asked.
‘You fell asleep.’
‘How long have I been gone?’
Frayed Laces and Meg looked at each other in confusion. ‘What do you mean how long have you been gone? You haven’t gone anywhere. You just fell asleep. We just got back from lunch break and found you taking a nap at your desk,’ explained Meg.
‘It must have been a dream,’ said
‘What was a dream?’ asked Frayed Laces.
They both blinked at her in stunned silence.
‘She’s totally looney tunes,’ mumbled Meg to Frayed Laces.
‘Were we in the dream with you?’ asked Frayed Laces.
‘Kind of. Victory looked like an amalgamation of the two of you.’
Frayed Laces and Meg were immediately affronted. ‘You cast us as the bitch of the story?! Thanks a lot.’
‘For big fat nothing,’ added Meg with emphasis.
Inside, cocooned in bubble wrap, was a plaque.
It may have been her imagination, but she swore she heard a faint cackling laugh in the distance. Quickly,
At that moment
There you have it—the completed tale of the 'Wizards of Blogland'. Since I only received a few threats of bodily harm because of it, I’m counting this venture as a win.
I want to thank you all for your interest, encouragement and patience. I especially want to thank Nitmos and Viper for being such good sports. I obviously did not torture Vanilla as much as he deserves, so I’ve already slated him for a principal role in the next story. For some reason, Little Red Riding Hood and Hansel and Gretel come to mind, but if I choose the latter, then either Nitmos or Viper are going to have to co-star. Gentlemen, you can fight amongst yourselves about who will don the pigtails and running skirt.
However that probably won’t happen for another few months. Writing W.O.B. took a huge chunk of time and now I need to catch up with my real life work and prep for my research trip before I attempt another story. I have a feeling the wait might be for the best anyway.
Ci vediamo dopo. (See you later)