Wednesday, 4 February 2009

Shudder

This has absolutely nothing to do with running, but I thought you’d all get a kick out of my pain. Here’s the background info.

I live in a house with three other people. Since we’ve all been on various research trips and away for the holidays, we haven’t all lived in the house together until this week. My friend and housemate Canadia and I have been living very peacefully and happily in the house together since mid-January. The other two, whom we not so affectionately have dubbed The Twins even though they are in fact a couple, arrived back on Sunday night. To say they are not exactly sane is an understatement. Sadly, we were not aware of this fact until after we agreed to move into the house.

So Canadia spent Sunday night at her bf’s. Monday morning, I sent her an email. That email and her response are what follow.

- - - - - - - - - -
To: Canadia
From: Xenia
Subject: shudder

Hello Canadia,

In the wee hours of this morning (4 am-ish), I awoke to the sounds of people having sex. I was rather groggy at the time, but I could have sworn the house was shaking. Now it could have been our crackhead neighbor, but when I woke up at 7:45 this morning I heard her kid through the wall. Granted he could have gone into her boudoir after awakening from whatever corner she puts him in, but I’m not so sure.

I feel dirty.

I may need to start taking some serious drugs in the evenings to make sure I don’t wake up again in the middle of the night. I’ll probably end up wetting the bed, but I think it’s a justifiable risk.

Hope your day’s not sucking.

-X

To: Xenia
From: Canadia
Subject: re: shudder

As soon as I saw the subject of this email, I knew what was coming.

I shudder in response. Even if it was the crackhead neighbour. Although, it probably wasn't, given we've never heard that before.

The event involving our housemates wouldn't surprise me, given they've just returned from a month and a half with the parentals, where I'm sure they weren't at it, at all, or loudly.

This is disturbing. Highly highly disturbing... particularly because my room is DIRECTLY below theirs. And the house shaking might not have been a delusion either, given their mattress is pretty much on the floor up there.

Oh gawd. That's so yucky.

I liked it better when it was just us.

I will do something terrible if I am disturbed by sex tonight!

-C

- - - - - - - - - -

Now, don’t get us wrong, we’re not saying our house should be a no-sex zone. Hell to the no! What we’re saying is that the idea of those two having sex is that disturbing. Seriously, my mind is seizing even as I type this. It’s like when my mom unfortunately told me the story of how one of my uncles decided to play a joke on my grandmother. He bought her a vibrator for her birthday. She opened it up in front of the family and everyone got a good giggle. That is until my grandmother, sweet-Betty-Crockerish-knitting-&-quilting-midwestern-salt-of-the-earth woman that she is, replied in all seriousness, ‘Oh thanks, but I already have one.’

Shudder.

And trust me, the Twins’ faults, of which there are many, extend well beyond loud sex. In only three days, it’s been mentioned that I was ‘working late’ when I hadn’t returned home by 6:30 pm and that it seems like I cook ‘a lot’. No shit, Sherlock. I’ve got a dissertation that’s not going to write itself and I live on a budget so I don’t want to waste money by eating out all the time.

Bloody hell.

My wonderful affordable apartment has now lost all its appeal. Looks like I’ll be searching for somewhere else to lay my head once my lease is up at the end of the summer.

Anyone got a spare room they can rent me for cheap?

21 comments:

Count of Monte Christo said...

Eehhrmmmm. Thanks for sharing ... I guess :-|

I seriously hope it helped take away some of your pain. I still have the rest of the day to get the image out of my head - and the idea of any family stories :-(.

The Laminator said...

I love how you invite us into your life Xenia but seriously this is just TOO. MUCH. DETAIL.

Let's just stick to running from now on, shall we? Otherwise I'll have nightmares of my apartment shaking when it's just rain hitting the windows.

Merry said...

Well sure, come on over! The spare room is at your disposal.

Did I mention the time my college roommate moved her boyfriend into our dorm room? Once he got out of prison, I mean. (No, I'm actually not kidding.) He was a nice guy, when sober, but I did complain to her about her squeaky mattress. So things are better left to the imagination, no, not even there.

Jess said...

Wow I'm sorry about the crappy roommate situation. My friend told me one time he had a roommate who put a whole in the wall from his bed hitting it so hard during crazy sex. I hope it's not as loud as that lol!

Melanie said...

oh boy... LMAO at your grandmother though... not a pleasant thought, but funny

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Awesome.

Trust me on this, it is WAAAAY worse when you wake up to the sound of people having sex and you're still groggy and shaking your head and trying to keep the loud panting sounds from driving you NUTS when you realize that one of the people having this loud sex is YOU!!1!

Did I say "WAAAY Worse"? I meant "WAAAY AWESOMER".

This is actually going to be the plot of the next M. Night Shyamalan movie, which I have no intention of seeing because I'm not going to PAY to see myself having sex, though I expect the rest of you all to.

tfh said...

Isn't Never, Ever Live with a Couple, Even If They Seem Like the Coolest People Ever, one of the ten commandments or something? Not that I'm blaming the victim here...I sympathize. The situation sounds positively gruesome. Too bad you can't get your crackhead neighbor to knock on the door and complain that they're defiling her kid's ears...doesn't sound like the type.

Kristina said...

Cooking? How dare you! There's no transgression like dinner on the stove.

joyRuN said...

Ugh - sorry to hear about the suddenly very close quarters. Me - I'd be truly pissed at having been woken up, no matter what it was. But THAT is like adding insult to injury.

marie said...

One word: Karma.

I was the evil roommate that used to have loud sex.

Now my neighbours have it at 4am on an almost daily basis in addition to their singstar/rockband antics at 12am.

Danielle in Iowa said...

So I'm totally scouting out roommates in Seattle for my postdoc and now you have scared me. Definitely no couples! And now I appreciate even more living with an evangelical Christian, who I never have to worry about that with!

Marcy said...

Oohhhh I like this shiz! Not that other people are having sex in very very very close proximity to you, but just the story in general. Makes for good blog reading HAHAA!

This will make you feel better. One time when I was 14-15 I woke up in the middle of the night and heard my parents *SHUDDER times 264187461784618412 and then a barf* and my a-hole self yelled "GAAAAAWWWWDDDDD"* yeah that shiz stopped right then and there.

Cowboy Hazel said...

I've been reading along for a while now but haven't commented. But this post was funny enough though that I had to break the silence and tell you how much I enjoyed it. I've lived with so many horrible roommates over the years, so I totally know where you're coming from. Good luck!

MCM Mama said...

Ewww!

LOL at the grandmother story!

Jes said...

Ugh. Loud roommate sex is the worst.

And even without the sex, they sound like crap roommates.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Re: Your comment @ J'RuN's today:

I LOVED this post! There's no such thing as TMI*! Don't be intimidated, sister! This here is your blog - post as you see fit, sez I! I'll be reading it!

*Um ... consider the source when you read that ...

P.O.M. said...

Another shudder... accidently coming across your mother's vibrator. ARGHHHHHHHHHH

I honestly made an effort to get the jazz hands in. I guess the photographers just don't GET IT.

Roisin said...

You're in London? You could live above my cousin's pub in Camden town if it weren't so darn small.

Viper said...

Two words: ear amputation.

The Running Knitter said...

I'd shudder too. :)

USJogger said...

Ewwwww!

Thanks for signing up for the FFFK. This is going to be great! Be sure to post your results and let me know where to find them.