Wednesday, 1 April 2009

Revelation

Today has been one hell of a day.

This morning the weather was amazing. The sun was shining, there was nary a cloud in the sky and there was also a nice breeze. Perfect weather for a run. Time was a bit of a factor though so I limited it to three miles.

Everything was perfect...except for me. I was so damn slow! This has really been bothering me lately. Not only is my running slow, but I’ve been feeling a general malaise for weeks now. Fed up with feeling like sludge, I called the doctor’s office and luckily they had an opening for late this morning.

So I went in and chatted with the doc. Being a woman and having been to the doctor’s office on a regular basis throughout my life, I wasn’t phased by the first question I was asked which was ‘Are you pregnant?’ My automatic response was, ‘No, of course not’ followed by a moment of silence and then a much quieter ‘Oh f*ck.

I get sent into the bathroom with a plastic stick and my not-so-full bladder. I hover over the toilet to do the deed and accidentally pee on my hand in the process. After cleaning myself up, I walk back into the examination room and wait with the doctor to find out the results.

Please don’t be blue, I chant in my head. PLEASE!

Three minutes later I see a strip of my once favorite color on the plastic stick and promptly pass out.

I came to a few minutes later. The doctor was really kind and gently told me a bunch of information I have now completely forgotten about vitamins, what I’m not supposed to eat and the like. Thankfully she wrote it all down. The whole time all I could think was now I know why my running has sucked and why I haven’t been able to lose weight recently. Followed quickly by, holy shit I’m going to get even fatter!

Right before I left her office, the doctor turned to me and said...

“Happy April Fools' Day!”

Seriously, people, there’s no way in hell I’m getting knocked up before my PhD is completed. My uterus is officially on lockdown for at least another year and a half if not permanently.

Happy hump day, everyone. :)

31 comments:

Lily on the Road said...

hahaha, I'll pass you my chastity belt!! Nice job on scaring the crap out of me! ; )

Merry said...

Sounded very convincing to me :)

Vanilla said...

Nice one. :)

Jamie said...

Nice...very convincing!

MCM Mama said...

Totally LOL! While I knew it was a joke (pregnancy seems to be going around this morning), yours was the most convincing yet. ;o)

Karen said...

jeezus you scared me.

GatorPerson said...

I'd hit 'em with a shovel. Not a very nice joke. So what's really wrong with you? Or did you even think to ask?

The Laminator said...

Honestly, you got me! Good job.

Roisin said...

Terrible, just terrible!!!

Marcy said...

Damn! I was hoping that you got knocked up by one of those men in the hot priests calendar in Italy (ok so his sperm would have been REALLY REALLY slow but hey . . .crazy shiz happens, right? LOL)

And girlfriend, when you finally DO get knocked up? Stick one of those paper cups right up on your cooter and pee in it. Then dip the stick. You never have to worry about pee on the hands ;-)

X-Country2 said...

I was going to mention the same thing as Marcy. Pretty sure that's why they invented Dixie Cups in teh first place. :o)

Kristina said...

Just the word 'revelation' tipped me off, since I used it in my post, too! Congrats on the empty uterus, btw, though there is a precedent for finishing a dissertation whilst dealing with an infant ;)

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

O, listen to face-punching Teh Marcy giving advice on pee-stick dipping and cooter-maintenance! Like she hasn't peed on worse things than her (and others') hands!

I can't be more emphatic
So listen, Xenia:
Since thou art so pneumatic
Dudes want their ween in ya!

So "vigilent"'s the watchword
For all things sex-related -
When p*nises come crotchward
Just say "I'm not elated ..."

Or else a swelling belly
Will match pneumatic breast;
Don't say I didn't tell thee!
Defend thy girly-nest!

Unlike Teh Marcy, I give practical advice.

Heather said...

Um yeah, that's actually sort of the story of how I found out I was pregnant. And it wasn't a joke! :)

McB said...

And does this doctor still live, or do you need the bail fund?

tfh said...

HA. This was good. Very good. Although perhaps would not have made me laugh were I a lad who'd slept with you in the recent past.

So, were you plotting this in the previous posts, or have you really felt slow lately? I'm hoping that gets a big old "April Fools" too.

aron said...

lol i was hoping to see happy april fools at the end :)

Carolina John said...

lmao at glaven. lawd, zenia's on lockdown! good april fool's... you really had me.

Ms. V. said...

*Uterus on lockdown* had me rolling.

Count of Monte Christo said...

Wasn't there actually a fifth round in the ninth circle of hell in Dante's scribblings, that was reserved for physicians with a sick sense of humor?

Hope your heart survived the joke.
And hope you will feel better soon.

Viper said...

+1, well done.

Ted said...

If this is real, my wife would strangle the Doctor's neck pretty severely.

Good job!

Keziah Fenton said...

Best April Fool prank I've heard this year! Thank Bob it was a joke

joyRuN said...

ROFLMAO!!! I'm DYING over Marcy's comment!!

Ha! Vanilla & Ted already got me.

Keep your uterus in perma-lockdown - you can have my kids instead ;)

carpeviam said...

Loved it! You totally made my April Fool's Day!

Scope Dope Cherrybomb said...

Tee Hee! Unless you really are feeling unwell...but not pregnant.

McB said...

I strongly suspect the bail fund will get used for real if the CBs get their hands on you anytime soon!

Crabby McSlacker said...

You totally, totally, had me.

(Oh, and re: dixie cups? When I go for a physical and need to give a sample in a cup, I still manage to pee all over my hands. No aim at all!)

theloosemoose said...

Daaamn - You TOTALLY had me convinced, as I read this two days post-April Fool's Day and was thus suspecting nothing.

Good one.

FLATOUT JIM said...

That has to be the cruelest April Fool Prank Ever.

Did you have to pay for the visit as well?

MizFit said...

IM SO FREAKIN GULLIBLE.

period.

my husband is fearful of letting me out of the domicile some days.

(alas,Im not kidding about that at all :))