Thursday, 23 July 2009

Anatomy of a Bikini Wax

The process proceeded thusly this morning:

Greet random stranger.

Get told to take off my trousers.

Hop onto table and get awkwardly positioned as instructed.

Random chit-chat is commenced by waxer as she proceeds to violate my nether region.

I respond with short, terse replies as I grit my teeth each time she yanks back on the waxing strip.

She finishes one side and asks me if it looks all right. I look down and notice I’m bleeding where she just waxed. Since this doesn’t seem to faze her, I assume it’s normal. I reply that it (assuming she meant the carnage) looks fine. She proceeds to torture my other side.

I’m to the point where it hurts so much I fear I’ll have permanent lockjaw. Trying to stop audible sucking in of air through teeth as each strip is pulled because it makes me sound like Hannibal the Cannibal talking about eating someone’s liver with fava beans and a nice chianti.

I joke about being too scared to get a full bikini wax. She, in all seriousness, replies, “Well, it does hurt a lot.” Sweet baby jebus.

Left alone in painful glory to get repantsed.

Pay her for the honor of torturing me then leave, relieved to have gotten my run in early this morning so as not to have to worry about chafing my now sensitive crotchal area later today.

There endeth the bikini wax.

- - - - -
Last night I had another long-ass workout at the gym. Body Combat followed by two miles on the mill then a 30 minute strength training class. I cranked out 3 x 400 m at 8:31 pace and proceeded to demoralize the weightlifter dude on the treadmill next to me with my bursts of speediness. I was sure he was going to give himself whiplash with the number of times he kept looking at my machine’s console. Heh.

My first swim lesson is tomorrow afternoon. I’ll let you know how it goes next week. That is if I don’t drown.

Have a great weekend, everyone.

25 comments:

Carolina John said...

Good luck on the swim lesson! you're going to love it i'm sure. it'a fantastic full body workout.

i have no perspective on waxing. it sounds so painful i won't do it even though the wife wants me to was my eyebrows. good luck with that. i hope the lucky guy appreciates it. and crotchal is now my new favorite word.

Theresa said...

*wincing* Just reading about your experience hurts. The things we do because we're girls.

Oh, and don't drown, please.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

ZOMG!1! Finally! Teh HAWT BIKINI WAX post!1! I FINALLY get to see pix of a Plucked Greek! Oooo, where's the KY?

Now to read teh post, which won't disappoint, I'm sure!

For Greeks, does a bikini wax include the back and shoulders?

Jess said...

I was especially tempted to get waxed "down there" when my belly reached proportions that stopped me from being capable of 'scaping on my own, but because your skin is way more sensitive when preggo, I thought it may be a bad idea. You just helped confirm that it would!

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Hmmmph! Not what I expected. In fact, I was barely able to pleasure myself to this bikini wax post. It's a good thing you mentioned the weightlifter at the end is all I'm gonna say about that.

By the way - way to kick his @$$, Young Sanguinary-Crothcal-Area Xenia With Teh Kung-Fu Grip! 8:31 pace? Tres Impressive!

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

ZOMG! My first comment was at 14:48 and my second was at 14:53 which means I LASTED A WHOLE FIVE MINUTES!1!

Woo-hoo!1! New sex record for Glaven!1!

Viper said...

This post ought to attract some interesting readers. I mean, besides Glaven.

Way to lay the smack down on weightlifter dude.

Spike said...

never a dull post eh? ever wonder where all the grunting weightlifters are so fond of go when they hit the treadmill? what now macho man, no "huewwwwaaaa" every mile?

Mike said...

Women are insane.

Merry said...

Strike out the word 'women' and replace it with 'humans' and I'd agree with the above.

Youch, woman!

Lily on the Road said...

BWWWAaaHHHAAAaaaa, told ya!

Honestly, if you are swimming tomorrow (whether it be pool or open water), I'd put a little vaseline on the newly bared nether region...just so A) it won't sting with the chlorine B) pick up any little micro bio...

Just saying ; )
xoxoxox welcome to the big girl league!

Blyfinn said...

Any time you can use the the crotchal in a post it's a win for all humanity.

Jamie said...

My friend tried to convince me this weekend it hurts less than eyebrow waxing. Yeah, sure it does...

Nice job on the mill and for giving weighlifter dude some whiplash :)

Mike G said...

The waxing does sound quite painful. I'm wondering if you could get away with using an electric razor every once in a while to get in a nice even trim? That's all a guy really wants, is no crazy bush. A landing strip is totally kosher.

Roisin said...

I clearly have some catching-up to do, since you're swimming.

Way to lap the weight lifter. Dudes like that need to be put in their place constantly.

I've been through the waxing pain before. The advice I've gotten, which only partially works, is to take an ibuprofin and a have a glass (or three) of wine beforehand.

Nitmos said...

Used, abused...She won't call. Don't even wait for it.

theloosemoose said...

EEEkKK!! My labia is wincing in empathy.

Careful in that pool. You're probably less bouyant now without all those pubes so BE CAREFUL, 'kay? :)

Kristina said...

and that's why I don't swim.

Sheryl said...

Have you ever tried sugaring? The first time I went to Brazil, I opted for sugaring instead of waxing and although it was painful, it wasn't completely terrible. And all subsequent sugaring appts have been less and less painful if you can believe it. Just a suggestion =)

joyRuN said...

Ouchouchouchouch! Judging from how much I flinch & tear up just when the backs of my thighs get waxed, sounds like I would have a major coronary from bikini waxing.

Besides, don't you get to go through all that AGAIN in a few weeks?

Maybe some ibuprofen beforehand.

Or alcohol.

AKA Alice said...

OK...I've been lurking and this will be (I think) one of my first comments...and it's about a bikini wax...figures...

The first one is the worst. Believe it or not, you toughen up down there and they'll start to hurt less and less (although you shouldn't bleed...for pete's sake, find another place to get it done!)

Vanilla said...

That's weird. When I got my bikini wax it didn't bleed at all... uh... I've said to much haven't I?

BCB said...

Good lord. I miss a few posts over here (okay fine, a few months' worth) and find you've succumbed to new lows of personal confession. YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO SWIM?! How did that happen? Or not happen. Good luck and don't inhale.

I hope you're swimming in a pool and not a large body of salt water. Because, ouch. When we lived in So FL I used to have to warn female visitors to shave their legs the night before we went to the beach. Sometimes I forgot. [sigh] It's not that I didn't want them to come back. Really.

Scope Dope Cherrybomb said...

Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Reminds me of the nurses on maternity in the good old days with the bad old razors. Oops was that TMI?

X-Country2 said...

Oh geez, I couldn't do it. I'd sit with frozen peas on my lap for a week.