Wednesday, 29 July 2009

Defiance

Yesterday after my morning run, I headed to the pool for some swim practice. There were three other people already in the pool by the time I got there, so I found a strip of water that was relatively unoccupied and did my thang.

I had the feeling I was violating some pool rules. Nobody said a single word to me, but the looks I was receiving felt kinda condemnatory. I found out later that I was supposed to wear a swim cap. Okay, fine, but that doesn’t require that you give me hate-looks, you uppity bastards.

I have now purchased a condom-like cap for my next trip to the pool. It’s so not comfortable. Is having long hair really that much of a sin? Come on, people.

Weighty issues
So the other day I stepped on the scale to see what the damage was. Then I had some private time with the porcelain throne and afterwards, for shits and giggles, decided to weigh myself again to see how much my evacuated poo weighed. (Editor’s note: Don’t act all shocked by this. You know you’ve done it too.)

I weighed in a pound heavier than I had before I pooed.

What. The. F*ck.

My poo wasn’t even weightless. Somehow it had defied gravity with a negative mass. How is this possible?

One of you scientific folk need to explain this to me. Because if that happens again I’m going to set fire to the damn scale. That’ll teach it to toy with me and the laws of physics.

All right, that’s it for me. Have a happy hump day, everyone.

27 comments:

Count of Monte Christo said...

Don't you just love the passive aggressive stares of regular swimmers, when you invade their pool, without knowing their rules? They sure won't tell you what you did wrong and give you the opportunity to better your ways.

Great job on the workout!
Have a great day.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Eff the cap. Just get your head waxed. But don't blog about the process because that would be TMI.

As for the negative-mass dump ... I'm not a Professional Scientician but I play one on TV in that I, as a reference librarian, am asked to answer scientific questions all of the time, which may not account for the level of woeful scientific ignorance and misinformation in the US in general, but does, I think, account for a significant portion of it in Central Joisey, if not the entire mid-Atlantic region.

So okay. With that caveat in place, I would venture a guess that you've probably been eating a lot of anti-matter lately. (It would have helped if you had supplied this information in the post, but as a pseudo-Scientician, I was able to deduce it on my own.) Anti-matter leads, through the usual process, to the production of anti-poop, which, as everyone knows, has a negative mass.

DO NOT LET YOUR ANTI-POOP COME INTO CONTACT WITH REGULAR POOP!1! The sh*t-storm thereby generated would be cataclysmic and would take out most of the UK as well as essentially give away the denouement of Angels and Demons (book version; haven't seen the movie yet). (<--O, ahem ... sorry. SPOILER ALERT!1!)

Either that or while you poo, your butthole is simultaneously sucking up toilet water and the weight-gain is all water and nothing to worry about because you'll pee it out eventually.

FIRST (with a theory about your poo; SECOND overall)!1!

Ted said...

Ahem... Glaven's theory is quite hilarious.

I say .. Burn the scale and enjoy what you can do.

Sun Runner said...

Of course I've weighed myself before and after a good dump. (Just like I weigh myself before and after a good run to see how much sweat weight I lost.)

I suppose it could simply be the weight recorded by your scale was within an acceptable error margin and was not in fact a totally 100% accurate measurement. I know that sometimes I've weighed myself twice within a few minutes span just to see what would happen and got two different readings. And I believe that there was one time, yes, where I weighed myself after pooping and I weighed either the same or slightly more than pre-poop. I just chalked it up to my scale's standard deviation and then decided that the lower of the two was going to be my "official" weight for the day. :)

Marcy said...

I've had that happen before as well. I'm with SR. Whatever number comes up lowest is the one I'm going with LOL

LMAO the swimming thing sounds like something that I'd do. Too bad you didn't flick your hair at them HAHA

Viper said...

Your scale hates you. That's all.

Next time pee in the pool and see how they like that. Swim cap or urine? Make it their choice.

Cheers.

Carolina John said...

LOL! That's too funny. how do you gain weight by letting go? oh that's hilarious.

i also got in the pool last night without a swim cap, but you might have longer hair than i do. i got no dirty looks.

Merry said...

Y'see, it's like this.
When you evacuated the solid waste, your body needed to compensate (why, I don't know) and ... ah, this is it. You had to breathe deeply to complete this procedure, and you took in a lot of extra-heavy air. There. Perfectly simple explanation.

Or your hair grew an extra inch or two during the procedure.

Jamie said...

LMAO! Time to burn that scale...

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

PUT THE GUN DOWN, X!1!

I'm just f*cking BORED is all!

I'm not here to steal your magic poop!

Heather said...

I've had that same thing happen (not with the pool, but with the poop)! I take whatever number is lowest, for sure.

MCM Mama said...

While I'm guessing Sun Runner's is the more accurate, I like GQ's explanation. LOL

Jess said...

Everyone weighs themselves after monster poops, but I have never had a gain! Were you chewing on a brick of brownies as you muscled out the duker?

Vanilla said...

Mine usually weighs in somewhere around a half pound. Just wanted to share that with you.

Blyfinn said...

That is amazing. You are a true freak of nature. If I were you I would join a circus and date a roadie!

Spike said...

a power greater than yourself is telling you something, and that is for you to never poop again; it is the only logical answer to your unusual poop behavior.

Mike said...

This is like one of those brain-teasers. The key is to read the clues carefully.

1) "So the other day I stepped on the scale to see what the damage was."

OK. We've established the initial weigh-in was "the other day."

2) "Then I had some private time with the porcelain thrown (sic)...

Hmmm. "Porcelain thrown." We have no statement about the poo entering the bowl and being flushed away. Ergo, the poo could have been deposited or thrown on the scale, nullifying the expected weight loss.

3) "...and afterwards, for shits and giggles, decided to weigh myself again..."

Having established only that the second weigh-in was "afterwards," it could have been several hours afterwards - indeed, after lunch.

4) "I weighed in a pound heavier than I had before I pooed."

B follows A, but does not mean that A caused B.

Alternate explanation: You pooped out a huge balloon filled with helium, which was then replaced in your body by ambient air.

CoyoteGirl said...

You didn't mention if it was a floater or not...that could give you your answer. Maybe it just hovered in your system until it was released - actually making you lighter. A new secret to "wieght-loss".

Robert James Reese said...

That's hilarious. Maybe it was the weight of the swim cap.

BCB said...

Babe. I can tell you are not a scientist. And no, playing in the dirt and calling yourself an archaeologist is not the same thing.

It's all about displacement. When the, um, poo mass left your body you felt a huge sense of relief. Yes? Of course you did or you wouldn't have decided to re-weigh yourself. What you failed to take into account is that as measured on the newly updated periodic table, the mass of poo is much lighter than the mass of relief, hence the weight gain when poo is displaced by relief.

However (sometimes also known as a corollary), had you experienced a great sense of loss instead of a huge sense of relief, you would have dropped AT LEAST five pounds. Because the mass of loss is way down on the far end of the periodic table, right next to halogen.

Pure scientology. Er, that is, science. Really.

joyRuN said...

I've done that - weigh myself pre-/post-dump. I don't think I've had myself weight more post-dump though! Now I'll have to pay closer attention.

Xenia said...

Mike--Thanks for catching my typo. :)

theloosemoose said...

You really went into the pool without a swim cap??? You, you..SAVAGE!!!

And is BCB Glaven's alter ego? Methinks so. I kept expecting to discover a footnote at the end of his comment.

Great job on the swimming, and on the shitting, too!

BCB said...

LOL! Methinks Glaven's ego is unalterable.

And I am a she. ;) I know, it's hard to tell from over there.

Mike G said...

I've read that people who weigh themselves regularly lose more weight than those who don't. I would imagine it's because they're more aware of and focused on addressing the weight issue. Sadly I've never found a study on anti gravity poop, which sounds most intriguing.

Mike said...

Xenia:

I'm a homophonophobe.

Lauren said...

This is why I love running blogs. I had a post poo weight gain about a month ago that really pissed me off. Silly me didn't confide it to anyone out of shame, but so happy to know this weird crap happens to other people too.