Thursday, 16 July 2009

Fetch, Fido

I thought I’d throw you all a bone and try to put up a real post for once. I know your lives have been desolate without me recently, as is to be expected, so here goes.

Yesterday I was in the changing room of Primark (a cheaper, lower class version of Target) trying on some potential dig trousers when a gaggle of American teenage girls invaded the area. They were louder than a foghorn and annoying beyond belief.

I did honestly consider advising them to tone down their idiocy, but I knew the likelihood of me being able to do that without being a sarcastic bitch was pretty much nil, so I decided against it. I don’t need the cops called on me in this country for creating a disturbance. At least not again.

This entire town has been invaded with summer school students—primarily US college kids and hoards of teenagers from various European countries here for English language study programs. It’s enough to make us year-round residents wish the annoying undergrads were back instead.

The little continental cusses travel in ginormous packs and are as inconsiderate as all get-out. I’m forced to play the most perilous game of Frogger as I have to weave in and around the groups on the sidewalks and eventually onto the roadways, subjecting myself to irate cyclists and motorists. Good times.

These kids are a boil on the butt of humanity and I wish their parents had seriously considered other methods of contraception besides pulling out.

Oh yeah, this is supposed to be a running blog...
Last night I attended two classes at the gym, Body Combat and Body Conditioning. However, there was a sizeable time gap in between them even with the first class running over. With every kind of gym equipment at my disposal, I of course chose to use the treadmill. It is the least offensive of all the machinery and that’s saying something seeing as I hate treadmills.

Not only did I decide to get a couple of miles in, I even made it into a speed session by knocking out 2 x 400 m at 8:47 pace. I haven’t done intervals in about a year and I haven’t attempted a tempo run in weeks, so I expected to feel like five kinds of shit after this, especially after having just suffered through an hour of mock combat moves. But in fact I felt great. Like I could have got in a few more or at least have run those two intervals much faster. Huh, will wonders never cease.

In total yesterday I worked out for two hours and I felt fabulous afterward. I credit my mojo not to regular exercise, but to the new pair of panties I was wearing which had a cartoon monkey sitting in an inner tube plastered across the ass. In my (fashion) defense, they were on sale at Primark and I desperately needed to replenish my utilitarian-but-not-granny-panties undergarment stock. Sue me.

All right, folks, that’s it for me. Hope you’re all doing well. Catch up with you when I can.

Later gators.

19 comments:

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Classy is your middle name, huh? Well, you can't spell "classy" without "@$$y", can you, Monkey Butt?

I wish their parents had seriously considered other methods of contraception besides pulling out. ...

Well, coming, as I do, from an Irish Catholic background, I happen to know there's this other, more efficacious method called "Teh Rhythm Method". To give you an idea of its effectiveness: I was one of 7 kids born within a 15-year span (the first 6 within a 9-and-a-half-year span). To the other Irish Catholics in our parish, my parents were known as "The Virtually-Childless Heisenbergs" - because let's face it: If you didn't have at least 10 kids, you just weren't f*cking (and NOT enjoying it) enough.

(Geez, I really hope my parents don't read your blog; or any Irish Catholics, because Rule Number One with Irish Catholics is: Don't Tell The Greeks How We F*ck.)

Now THIS, above, is a post of the cranky, b*tchy I-Hate-Teh-F*cking-World Xenia we've been missing! Thanks, Baboon-@$$!1!

But what's teh weather like over there? Specifically, in your garden?

FIRST!1!

FLATOUT JIM said...

Can you describe the five kinds of shit?

RazZDoodle said...

"These kids are a boil on the butt of humanity and I wish their parents had seriously considered other methods of contraception besides pulling out."

I'm going to say that at our next staff meeting and/or parent-teacher conferences. That, or suggest it for a staff t-shirt.

Rockin' the intervals! Nice job!

joyRuN said...

Well, hello lovely!

Your post is making my morning, seeing as my laptop is dead dead dead & I've run out of things to do with my children but it's not even the middle of July.

Maybe I should send them your way. You think those kids are loud & annoying - you haven't seen mine yet.

Kick@$$ job on a 2-hour workout with fantastic intervals sandwiched in there!!!

Carolina John said...

american teenagers (even over here) are all still annoying. in fact, i think one (my neice) just deleted my facebook account last night. annoying.

Lily on the Road said...

potty mouths on everyone born after 1990....

and you are classy, thanks for saying Sue Me, instead of Bite Me!! LOL...
Glad you're enjoying your new works outs,

way.to.go.!!

Jess said...

American teens shouldn't be allowed out of their cages.

Count of Monte Christo said...

Funny how running always makes you feel better doesn't it?

Primark is not all bad. They might be cheap, but they do have classy stuff :-D

carpeviam said...

"These kids are a boil on the butt of humanity and I wish their parents had seriously considered other methods of contraception besides pulling out."

LMAO!!! Quote of the week goes to YOU, and it's only Thursday. No one can trump THAT in the next few days.

;)

X-Country2 said...

I love that this got labeled as "classy is my middle name". Not sure what part made it qualify, but it made me smile.

Viper said...

Oh yeah. I forgot you ran.

Nitmos said...

It would have been better if they were knuckle children.

Spike said...

of course teenage American girls would travel to the UK to take English classes.

nice job on the intervals.

Merry said...

pair of panties I was wearing which had a cartoon monkey sitting in an inner tube plastered across the ass

Xenia, m'dear, this post really, really would be improved by a photograph :)

(No, you don't have to be wearing them at the time of said photograph.)

Danielle in Iowa said...

This gives "spank the monkey" a whole new meaning...

MissAllycat said...

It's amazing what cute underpants can do. :)

Lisa Slow-n-Steady said...

Bosy Combat - sounds painful. I don't think I'd sign up for a class with that name! LOL

theloosemoose said...

OMG! I've got underwear JUST like those! Only where you have a monkey in an innertube, I've got a Rorschach menstrual stain of Italy kicking an elderly armadillo.

RunningLaur said...

Oh man, I was totally one of those kids when I was in England for undergrad. I can clearly remember running around like an idiot inside of Primark - but it was only once. Does that make it better?

Great work on the treadmill! Impressive!