Thursday, 1 April 2010

The Confrontation

This is potentially the concluding chapter in The Chronicles of Crackhead Neighbor...amongst other things.

Monday night Crackhead neighbor decides to have a loud house party until the wee hours of the morning. She hasn’t done this in ages, so we, the flatmates and I, grumble about it but hope it’s a one-off and try to ignore it. We should call the Noise Complaint office, but we know it’ll be the death knell for her in respect to a court date and then the loss of custody of her child. She’s a crackhead, but we feel bad for her sometimes.

However, all that empathy went to hell in a hand basket on Tuesday night when she decided to repeat Monday night—loud music, loud voices, lots of banging around. Around 3:30 am one of my flatmates, TweedleDipshit, cracks. She’s beyond livid and really I can’t blame her. Everyone in this house is a PhD student and we’re all under deadline at the moment, so Crackhead’s antics are not helping any.

TweedleDipshit (hereafter TD) is going to knock on Crackhead’s door and ask as politely as she can (i.e. not really) to can it. Knowing this is not going to end well, I decide to be back-up for her. TD and I may have our disagreements, but she’s not a bad person. The third and last housemate in residence at the time, TweedleDee (hereafter referred to as TDee) is an Englishman which means he’s a pansy without testicles and will dither uselessly in the house as we do the dirty work.

It’s cold and drizzling so I throw on a fleece jacket over my pjs (aka sweats) and hang back as TD takes the lead. She knocks (i.e. bangs) on the door until Crackhead answers. Crackhead is drunk/high and happy until she sees us and then she becomes drunk/high and belligerent.

TD asks Crackhead to tone down the party and (not so subtly) threatens to call in the authorities if she doesn’t. Crackhead retaliates by calling us uptight bitches, etc. TD goes into a massive hissy fit. Irritated beyond belief and cranky as hell, I start throwing back sarcastic and instigating comments. I can no longer help myself; patience is gone.

Soon Crackhead and TD start pushing each other. I try to break it up but then one of Crackhead’s friends/tenants comes out and pushes me. Then all hell breaks loose. I’ve never been in a fight before. All I remember is the adrenalin and fear, a mass of bodies and my fist connecting with flesh.

I guess either TDee had called the cops or one of the other neighbors did because within a blink of an eye the cops are there trying to get a handle on the situation. We’re all being pulled apart and held back. A cop has me in a death grip, his arms around my waist and neck, trying to prevent me from joining the fray again.

Eventually more police arrive. We’re all dragged off individually, give statements and then four of us are taken into custody—me, TD, Crackhead and her friend who started the fight with me. We’re booked on disturbing the peace and common assault. TDee eventually arrives and posts bail for TD and me.

Now we’re awaiting our court date. To add to the fun, TD and I are both North Americans which means we face deportation if convicted. My application for a European passport has not gone through yet and might never if I’m convicted so I have to rely on the student visa in my US passport which is now surely going to be revoked.

Needless to say, my family is not particularly proud of me at the moment. My supervisor is away on holiday and does not yet know my situation. Financially I’m in shit seeing as I have to pay unanticipated legal fees and I’m probably going to get kicked out of my doctoral program seeing as I’m likely to be kicked out of the country. On top of all of that, I now have a black eye, a fractured right hand and am missing a chunk of hair from the back of my head. So basically I’m looking pretty hot.

There is no silver lining here, at least not that I can see.

Well, except for the fact that it’s the first of April.

18 comments:

Theresa said...

Xenia - You shit. You totally had me going there. :)

Razz said...

Bravo, you fake bad ass. Bravo, indeed!

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Sorry, sister, but the first post I read today was Vanilly's, which (as I remember it) ends with a really Big Dude yanking his wiener, and he ended that post reminding us not to believe anything we read today (except that thing about his mini circle-jerk in SD), and so I saw where your post was headed. It was still entertaining, though. Could have used a circle-jerk, if you don't mind a little constructive criticism.

I would like to add, though, that if there were some other method of conveyance to Teh Fires of Hell other than the proverbial hand basket, perhaps people wouldn't be so resistant to going there? If there were like a Luxury Yacht to Eternal Damnation, I would soooo be there.

Yes, a Disney cruise comes close to this, but I hate Disney slightly more than Satan, so ... NO DEAL.

carpeviam said...

Bahahahaha! Love it. Well written.

Pam F. said...

Kudos to you. You COMPLETELY had me.

The Merry said...

You had me going up to the point where the police pulled you off the trailer trash. I mean, you would've whupped her ass and stomped on all the little pieces.
Good one.

me said...

haha Good one! You had me going for a couple paragraphs until I, too, noticed it was the first of April.

Jamie said...

Nice. You seriously had me until the fist fight :)

GatorPerson said...

Oh, well. You had me* until the very last sentence. So, I'm gullible!

Diane (TT) said...

Didn't you do something similar to us last year? I was credulous 'til they took you to jail.

Fun! In a scary way - but you know that we can help with bail!

Roisin said...

Damn you!!!!!!

*Golf clap*

Lou said...

**SNORT**

Lke GP, you had me* until the last sentence.

Good one!!

Miguel said...

You go girl - kick some ass!!

what? ...ah $%&%^

nice going...

Adam Culp (Crazy Floridian) said...

Great fools day prank. I was so swinging in the fight with ya.

RunnuRMark said...

Bra. Vo.

Jess said...

Ohhh, man, I totally bought it!

orangehands said...

LOL. You should definitely win the fight next time you write a post though. :)

Sheryl said...

LOL man you totally had me! Good one =)