Wednesday, 14 April 2010

News from the outpost

I got back to running this morning after a three day break with an easy three miler. Or what was supposed to be easy, but I got slammed with shin splints and had to walk three times. Balls. I’m hoping this is just residual complaints from the hills of Somerset, but I didn’t suffer shin splints then so this is a bit strange. Here’s hoping my next run is less craptastic.

Dances with Cats
"Stop taking pictures and feed me already."

My sister Z is currently in possession of the BEST DAUGHTER EVER award. Momma X is off on holiday for three weeks. Mom has been caring for my geriatric diabetic cat since I left for university many years ago, so someone has to physically be in the house for the duration of her holiday to take care of my high maintenance furball. Since Z is a freelancer, she got saddled with the job. She has sacrificed her beloved Chicago city life for the wilds of NH for almost a full month. Bless her.

In compensation for the isolation and endless days of boredom ahead of her, I have offered to let her post on my blog. Here’s her first missive. I have, of course, taken the liberty of adding in my own commentary (red, italicized and in brackets). Enjoy.

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"This is my Post"

Stardate 04121032.5 [We grew up watching a lot of sci-fi.]

I have arrived at post in the depths and solitude of New Hampshire woods. The mission is simple – hold down the fort until Mom returns from the cruise ship. [And visiting her favorite youngest child!]

I have been given the following official instructions:

1. Inject cat twice daily with insulin
2. Feed cat twice daily or when he whines so much you cannot do otherwise
3. Pet cat as often as possible and acquiesce to his demands for affection and companionship at all times
4. Pay bills as they come in
5. Take trash to the town dump
6. Don't move anything (yeah, about that...) [Z has a bad habit of re-organizing when she cleans. Drives our mom nuts.]
7. Clean up cat poop

I arrived on site very ill. Had a mandatory recovery period of two days and then began organizing what will be my home for the next 3 1/2 weeks. Provisions slim upon arrival. Outpost itself was in exceedingly poor condition. Well not really, but it needed a spring cleaning. Therefore I have assigned myself to clean-up duty which is already under way. [Z has a bit of the OCD when it comes to cleaning. And when I say a bit, I mean a lot. Plus our mom is a smoker. You can see how this combination can cause issues.]

There have been no visitors to my post and no word from the outside world. (Well, not really but it sounds good.) I have ventured out and made initial contact with the locals. At the Office of the Post in a nearby village, the proprietor appeared distraught that I wished to transact business with her at noon which, unbeknownst to me, was closing time. However she accepted my purchase and my day proceeded on. Closing time at noon on a Tuesday? Hmm. I must learn and adjust to the new customs and habits of the people here.

Tomorrow is a full day of cleaning and catering to the cat’s whims. This weekend will bring a visitor from the outside world who is coming for a tour of the countryside to see what it has to offer. [Mostly boredom, allergies and the occasional tick.] This will be a welcome break to my tasks and duties but I will still keep the status quo and stand my post!

With love, [and copious amounts of cat fur]
-Z

P.S. I have already started talking to myself...and to the cat. [Sadly, this is actually normal for us.] Will begin workouts next week.

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As I understand it, future posts from Z may include such exciting topics as ‘the tango of the wild turkeys’, ‘night time is the right time for flood lights’, ‘Blitz Krieg Funf’, ‘the introduction of Jolly Green to the natives’, ‘city girl and country excrement’, and ‘the dingo ate my baby and other bizarre tales’. Do stay tuned. Or at least entertain my sister in the comments. She’s bored stiff, people. Help her out.

Happy hump day, everyone.

11 comments:

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Your mother smokes?

Man, her ta-tas better be as bodacious as she led me to believe or I'm gonna bail on her at the arranged meeting site.

Your Mom wouldn't go back and read your old posts after three weeks away, would she? Because I was totally supposed to keep our date secret from you and Z, but I couldn't do that because that would have involved my keeping something secret, which - pffftt! - I think we all know just ain't gonna happen.

I think it's very likely she wasn't lying about her breasts, X., because you must've gotten yours from somewhere ...

Although I suppose it's equally possible you got them from your Greek Dad.

Are you entertained yet, Z? Because I can get even more disgusting if you need me to ...

SteveQ said...

Compulsive sleaner, eh? My fiancee' (1990's version) used to clean when emotionally upset, so whenever the apartment looked untidy, I'd say something like "I'm not sure where this relationship is heading..."

Just to prove I'm creepier than Glaven, injecting the cat with insulin had me thinking of Claus von Buelow putting his wife into a diabetic coma as part of a sex game; that's not going on with you and the cat, though, right?

The Merry said...

Sorry... too creeped out by the comments to leave any creative comment...

Lily on the Road said...

I concur Merry.

Sun Runner said...

Let me get this back on track with the ONLY appropriate comment in this situation:

OMG BIG ORANGE KITTEH! SQUEEEEE!

(I have a big orange kitteh, too.)

Jess said...

Loved Z's report! Looking forward to her future narratives!

carpeviam said...

Insulin? Can't you "add" something to that insulin so that Kitty falls asleep...for a long time?

Danielle said...

I think Z will survive her visit to the wilderness. As long as she doesn't wear a red shirt. AVOID THE RED SHIRT AT ALL COSTS!

SteveQ said...

Okay, my meds kicked in ("cleaner" not "sleaner" for one). Sorry about that ick factor.

Roisin said...

There is nothing wrong with Star Trek. Nothing.

Or OCD. OCD is what got me through undergrad, and I'm assuming what will get me through grad school.

X-Country2 said...

She had me at "Stardate." Swoon!