Friday, 25 June 2010

Welcome to Retardia

Today I had intended to write a post about my close encounter with the cows in Port Meadow on Wednesday. However, now there is more pressing news. Jamoosh made a comment once that I wasn’t allowed to move out of my current flat because then there would be no more fun stories of my asshat housemates. Apparently they feel the same because I’m currently a week out from leaving the House That Crazy Built and they seem to want to make sure there’s fireworks to accompany my departure. How generous of them.

Last night, sane housemate Finn and I returned late to our place. It was Finn’s last night in the house as she’s heading back to her homeland for a much deserved holiday before commencing her fellowship in the fall. I did some last minute tinkering on my laptop, she cleaned her room and we were both snoozing in our respective rooms by 11:30 pm.

The harbinger of doom sounded at just before 2 am. The asshat housemates, Tweedledee and Tweedledipshit (who, if you may remember, are a couple), have been gone for the last six weeks in Italy for fieldwork, research and holiday-making. Tweedledee owns a car so they drive instead of fly. They’ve done this trip before. They take their time on the way back and spend money they don’t have on enough booze, gifts and other miscellaneous items to equal the collective possessions of the population of a mid-sized European nation which they then cram into our tiny little house uncaring of the fact that there’s no room for us let alone their copious amounts of crap.

Last year they arrived in the middle of the night and made a racket equivalent to the sound of a million people simultaneously playing vuvuzelas and continuously slamming doors. I woke up, quietly cursed them under my breath and slowly drifted back to sleep an hour later after they were done unloading their cargo from the vehicle.

This year was apparently meant to be much the same. They arrived just before 2 am and were their normal loud selves, heedless of the fact that their two housemates were trying to sleep. I woke up, grumbled and turned over to try to block out their noise. During this time, it occurs to me that they are not alone. They have a guest with them – apparently one of Tweedledipshit’s siblings from the states who met up with them during their journey.

Forty minutes after their arrival, I hear them open the door to Finn’s room which is right next to mine and I realize what’s going on. Tweedledee and Dipshit both sleep in his room while her room is used as storage for the mountainous amount of crap she/they own. Since the landlord stopped by while they were away, I know that her room was in a right state – every available surface was covered in stuff, including almost the entire floor. The landlord was not impressed.

Anyway, this means that Dipshit’s sibling could not sleep there. That leaves the sitting room, but I guess they were bypassing that in the hopes that Finn was away (she only lives in the house part-time) and they could use her room and bed. As you know, Finn was not away. I heard the door shut almost immediately.

Then the most unexpected thing happened. The door to my bedroom was opened. The Tweedles know I’m home because sadly I’m ALWAYS home these days, so this didn’t make any sense. I was also still in limbo-land between being asleep and awake so this really threw me for a loop.

It’s Dipshit and she’s trying to turn on my desk lamp. I beat her to the punch and turn on the lamp on my nightstand. I’m still really groggy at this point and can’t see very well, but I finally understand what Dipshit’s trying to ask me:

“Can my sister sleep on your floor tonight?”

What. The. Fuck. Confused as all hell, I still manage to make my cognizant self proud by immediately barking out “NO!” followed by “She can sleep in the sitting room. I cleaned it last week.”

I hear “I know, I saw you cleaned it” then mumble, mumble, mumble. I have no idea why she is still in my room, so I get up, open my wardrobe and pull out my sleeping bag and snuggie and chuck them at her and say something like “She can sleep on the couch cushions on the sitting room floor” and then immediately collapse into a heap on the bed.

(Yeah, I’m not so good when woken up against my will. There’s a short but very notable list of individuals who have learned this the hard way.)

All I’m aware of at this moment is that the door closes and I’m left alone. Then I hear the door to Finn’s room open AGAIN. Dipshit apparently went to ask Finn if her sister could crash on her floor. I learned later this morning from Finn that although she was aware of the commotion and it disturbed her sleep, she didn’t recall Dipshit asking her anything. So either she gave up after her run-in with me or Finn’s a better sleeper than I am.

Anyhoo, I continue to be in limbo-land when I finally hear the house settle down. I have no idea who is sleeping where but I do know I’m pissed off which leads me to wake up rather than fall back asleep again. I tried for a good hour to sleep, but I just got more and more agitated. Last week had been shitty because Crackhead Neighbor had had two loud parties, one of which lasted until 8 am and involved a drunken brawl. She also had a big fight with her boyfriend that resulted in her screaming at him to get out at 4 am and then her crying like a banshee afterward. I’ve had very little sleep for a prolonged period of time. I thought things were looking up when I got 11 solid hours of sleep on Monday night, but then this happened and I cracked.

With a mixture of frustration, stress, anger and tiredness, I started to cry. Thankfully I only did that for ten minutes before I told myself to woman up. It was now 4 am and there was no way I was going to be able to fall back asleep. So I did the only thing any normal person who's had less than three hours of sleep would do.

I went for a run.

Before I left the house, I checked the sitting room. No one was in there, just a few travel bags. Turns out the sister ended up sleeping on the floor in their room which should have happened from the first anyway. Total. Fucking. Illogical. Wankers.

The run did me good. I hit up Port Meadow and was calmed by the quiet sounds of the world waking up. Geese and ducks quacked softly, bunnies hopped across the path and the horses and cows silently munched their breakfasts.

Most of my anger dissipated and left me with a lot of disbelief and very little understanding. How can you be so inconsiderate as to wake someone in the middle of the night for something so stupid and unreasonable? Finn and I have the smallest rooms in the house. The sitting room, even with the baggage in there, still has more floor space. Their actions made absolutely no sense. Then again, they never do.

These people are the epitome of clueless selfishness. This is just another glaring instance of it from them in the past two years that I’ve endured living with them.

One more week and I have freedom. I just hope I can last that long.

Have a wonderful and hopefully fucktard-free weekend, everyone.

Later gators.

17 comments:

K said...

You can make it another week. I am in total disbelief how rude your asscrack roomates are. Jeebus. well, the day you move out, wake them at 4 a.m. playing conway twitty album full blast... Just because.

Jamoosh said...

Sweet! Let's just hope the clueless don't inherit the earth...

Lily on the Road said...

Grrrrrrr, I'd be some pissed too if I lived with those dickwads. Make sure you drag furniture and let things drop while they are sleeping....

only 6 more sleeps.....

Angie Bishop said...

your departure definitely merits a very loud payback exit.
Glad you had a nice run.

Viper said...

Congrats on the morning run. Sounds like freedom. But don't worry, there will always be another annoying neighbor. Cheers!

Razz said...

When you have the SWAT team on your neighbor's roof and 3 drug dogs in the backyard, we can talk. Meth dealership. The "matron" of the group would always wash her car and use "fuck" as an adjective, verb, adverb, noun and...I think a preposition, too.

The Merry said...

Geez. I think you showed an incredible amount of self-restraint in not braining them with the desk lamp.
Please take their passports away so they can't come back to the States!

Evolving Through Running said...

Ahhh, Retardia .... I know it well.
Sorry that you're having these issues, but that post cracked me up.

joyRuN said...

Har! I have to find a way to work "Tweedledipshit" into a convo soon!

You're a better woman than I for not sending any item within reach flying at their heads.

The Laminator said...

That's lunacy. Absolute dumbshitdom. Can't believe you didn't accidentally throw something under false pretenses that it was a thief? Glad you got to go running and restore order within yourself. Have a calm weekend, mate. Cheers!

Jess said...

Running was a mature thing. Poisoning their coffee would have been...bad.

carpeviam said...

Good story. I'm sure I'll have plenty of stories too from living in apartment-land. It's like dorm living. I know way too much about people I don't care too know that much about. At least it's short term.

EZEthan said...

I hate when people fuck with me when I'm asleep... I do like blogging rants though... so I guess I'm glad it was you and not me!

Char said...

What a pair of charmers your flatmates are!! And I thought teenaged kids were bad.

RunnuRMark said...

I hope you don't get boring after you move out of there. The material just comes too easy for you right now.

Jamie said...

I don't understand how some people are so rude. Less than a week, you can make it.

X-Country2 said...

I'm sorry, but I totally laughed that you threw a Snuggie at her. :o)