About two months ago I mentioned I had a run in with the cows in Port Meadow and promised to write about the full story.
Yeah, didn’t quite get around to that, did I?
Since I don’t have much of interest to say about things of late, I thought I would regale you with that story. It’s the least I can do since I know you all crave my witty words and are still reeling from the loss of Ian in the running blogosphere.
Or else you’re just bored and want to procrastinate at work.
Either way, it’s all good.
So here goes...
Port Meadow is public pasture land. When the weather permits, it’s a beautiful place for a stroll, run, picnic or boat ride on the river. When I lived in Retardia, it was the location of my regular four-mile out and back route.
So early on that long ago Wednesday morning, I headed out to the Meadow for a relaxing run. As I passed through the last of the three cow gates, I noticed a large herd of cows in the field to the left of the trail. By the time I was heading back after the turn around point and approaching the cow gate again, the cows had decided to migrate to the trail and were congregating in front of the gate.
The cows and horses in the Meadow are quite used to humans being in there midst. I run by and zigzag around them all the time. However, I’ve never had them completely block off my exit before. The herd was four cows deep in front of the gate.
And their asses were all pointed at me.
The fence isn’t climbable and I really didn’t want to take a fully-clothed swim in the river to get to the other side. I had to get the cows to move.
After assessing the situation, I slowly walked towards the cows. The ones on the periphery could see me approaching and calmly moved out of the way. When I was two rows of cow butts away from the fence, things got a bit more difficult. The cows in front couldn’t see me and if they did, there was nowhere for them to go since they were hemmed in by their fellow cows.
That’s when I felt a cow nose at my back.
I was surrounded.
I had a moment of insanity and confused cows with goats. I thought the cow was going to start eating my shirt off, but then realized he/she was only trying to figure me out. Either that or it really liked the smell of my sweat.
So at this point I’m completely surrounded by cows and I have a firing squad of cow asses between me and the gate.
With no other option, I started to dance.
Shuffle, shuffle, left. Shuffle, shuffle, right. After each shift, the cows in front could see me and then move to the right away from the river. One of the cows right in front of the gate turned its head and gave me a look of total fear which in turn freaked me the fuck out since its ass was right in my face. I backed up as much as the cows behind me would allow until the scared cow was able to amble off with its friends.
Finally, after five minutes of dancing and projectile poop avoidance I made it to the gate and slipped through intact and untainted.
The cows immediately crowded back around the gate giving me curious looks. I thanked them for not shitting on or trampling me and then headed back home.
I sure do miss those cows.
Okay, that’s it for me. Have a fabulous weekend, everyone.