Tuesday, 3 January 2012

Why 2011 sucked donkey balls

  • I ran 88 miles in 2011. Most of you guys crank that out in a month or sometimes, for you sickeningly super fit overachievers, even a week.
  • Stopped running completely in September.
  • My right lower eyelid has been twitching for a month.
  • I’ve still not submitted the Thing That Must Not Be Named.
  • My scale and ill-fitting clothing have informed me that I’m officially back to being a fat ass.
I ended the year by returning to the homeland which embraced me with herpes simplex infected arms forcing me into isolation for nearly two weeks of my three week trip because it looked like I’d been hit in the mouth with a baseball bat…and from my swollen lip, an angry crusty alien was trying to burst forth.

Sexy, I know.

Christmas involved flying to the windy city to celebrate the holiday with my sister and her fiancĂ©e and also help her put on a dinner for nearly twenty of her fiancee’s family members. Nothing like being stuck playing nice with your sibling’s future in-laws. I deserve a goddamn Nobel Prize for that shit.

Add to that our very much younger half-brother was also celebrating with us. I don’t do well with children, especially when they’re independently mobile and can talk. This kid is five years old. At heart I’m sure he’s a sweet kid, but he’s also absolutely spoiled rotten and that trend does not appear to be about to change any time soon. Sometimes there are benefits to living so far away from one’s family.

To top off the steaming pile of feces that was 2011, I found out I like a song by Selena Gomez, the girl with a fetus face.

If I find out I’ve heard and enjoyed a Bieber song, I’m quitting this bitch entirely.

Unlike last year, I’m not going to become all Susie Sunshine and look at the bright side of 2011. The year sucked. Hardcore. And I accept that it was my own fault. If I want results, I have to put in the effort. I obviously didn’t put in the effort, hence the shitty results. Lesson learned.

2012 is a busy year for me including a degree that needs to be completed, lots of projects and job-related travel, a CV to build up, job applications to submit in the fall and a fat ass that needs to shrink.

2012 is a big year for the X family too. There will be three (or four-I can't remember) weddings, the most important of which is my sister Z’s. The wedding planning bonanza is already underway in all its horrific over the top Greek glory. The wedding is kind of being hijacked by our father who has an opinion on everything and feels the need to call my sister several times a day with his words of wisdom or, as I like to call them, his moments of extreme hysterical nonsense. I’m not much better though. Every time my opinion is solicited, I always respond with “Put some Windex on it.” I think this may fail to amuse my sister in a few weeks time. We’ll see.

As we all know, 2012 is also the year of the apocalypse which I’m pretty sure means I’m destined to finally get my shit together right before we all start a global sing-along of “It’s the end of the world as we know it”. It’s only fitting.

So what’s my plan? Good question. I’m still in the process of finalizing those details which pretty much entails ripping nuggets of wisdom from all your blogs. Ingenious, no? My return to England at the end of the week is the official kick-off for my 2012 plans, so I’ll dazzle you with my stolen ideas tomorrow.

Until then, start practicing for the sing-along.

10 comments:

Keith said...

Nothing like a dose of honesty. Worse than the clap.

I can do two things here. One is to cry out "woe is you, and on and on." emotional bonding and all that. Presumably you have enabling female friends for that sort of shit.

Or, the guy thing, is a solution. Not that I know anything about advanced education. But you've been at that damned thing since I started reading this blog. It's making you unhappy. Why not try something else?

Lily on the Road said...

You can only eat the proverbial elephant one bite at a time...so chew slowly.

I Love you nonetheless as a good rant can really help offload the shitzzzz that follows you into the new year.

Hang tough girlfriend, Love you and your herpes simplex.... be damned

xoxoxoxox

The Merry said...

I realize that your exercise slacktitude is only your way of trying to make me feel better about my inner slug, and I appreciate your consideration. (what, everything in the world isn't all about me?) My consolations about the weddings. Such things are great to watch in a movie, not so much first-hand.

Carolina John said...

Wow 88 miles on the year? that is tough. follow me here:

Knowing that you run in a very beautiful part of the world, moved to a different part of the country last year, and theoretically do actually enjoy running, the only thing that would allow you to only get 88 miles on the year has to be absolute tragedy. There has to be lots of unspeakable misfortune that went along with the low milage and high assness. I really hate that you had such a rough year, truly. please know that these rough years come but they also go away; I've had my fair share of them too. Just because 2011 landed a meat punch doesn't mean that 2012 will too. Keep your chin up and run for a brighter day.

Jenn said...

Oh girl! Have I ever been there. 2010 was my donkey balls year. It was so bad that I am actively working on blocking it all out! :D Chin up though. 2011 was one of the best years of my life.

Also, I too need to get back in the fitness saddle. I just keep getting bigger and bigger! That has got to stop. We can go it together. I am blogging again and I have missed reading your blog terribly.

Can't wait to hear your plan for 2012.

SteveQ said...

@Keith: Quitting a dissertation is like having an abortion at 8 months because you're uncomfortable. Or, in terms you might understand, hitting mile 23 of the last leg of an Ironman and saying, "well, this blows. I'm quitting." I left my PhD thesis unfinished - worst thing I've ever done. It's crap, but you push through it.

Viper said...

Solid rant. Nothing like a good "fuck you" to the rear-view. Pinch off that turd of a year and flush. Happy New Year ... cheers!

Laura said...

Welcome back, and happy New Year!

joyRuN said...

Let it all out, lady, then step forward & don't look back.

Mark said...

Well, unfortunately, I must inform you that I just flushed the best nuggets I have produced in quite some time - never to be seen again. I say your goal for 2012 should be to make it (at a minimum) slightly less shitty than 2011. I think 10 miles/month and a tube of Abreva will get you there! I have faith in you.