Thursday, 17 July 2008

The Wizards of Blogland (Part 2)

[Editor’s note: This won’t make any sense unless you read Part 1 first.]

Xenia watched the witches drive off. Before she herself could begin her run towards Nike Town, she was stopped by Mayor Razzdoodle.

‘Wait, young lady. You can’t leave until we, the people of Ohmyhooha, have properly thanked you for this wonderous gift.’ He indicated the wreckage that was Xenia’s former prison.

‘Oh, uh, no need to thank me.’

‘No, no. We must!’ insisted the mayor.

Before Xenia could blink an eye, she was surrounded by hundreds of midgets, oddly all very Oompa Loompa like in their appearance but wearing black skin-tight leather and lots of chains. She looked at the assembled crowd warily. ‘How exactly did you plan on thanking me?’

The mayor beamed. ‘By sending you off with a song, of course!’

At that moment, all the midgets townspeople began to sing, ‘You’re off to the see the Wizards...’

‘STOP!’ screamed Xenia.

The crowd fell silent and the mayor stepped forward. ‘What’s the matter?’

‘I can’t take the singing. I hate musicals. They drive me bonkers.’

‘But we must thank you.’

‘Can’t you all just silently wave at me as I leave?’

The townspeople conferred with one another and decided this was an acceptable alternative. The entire crowd waved at Xenia as she took off down the yellow track road, the townspeople looking like they too were fond of jazz hands.

About a mile into her run, Xenia saw a woman stepping out of an outhouse on the side of the road. She was carrying a camera phone and appeared to have just taken a photo of herself in the loo. Strange, thought Xenia. The woman spied her running by and called out, ‘Hey chica, where you headed?’

Xenia slowed to a stop next to her. ‘I’m off to Nike Town.’

‘Oooo cool! Going for the sales?’

‘Nope. I’m going to see the Wizards of Blogland.’

‘Whadya need to see them for?’

‘I need a dissertation.’

‘A what?!’

‘A long-winded piece of writing that will buy me my freedom.’

‘Oh, like divorce papers?’

‘Yeah, something like that.’

‘Well, can I come with you?’

‘Sure. You need to see the wizards too?’

‘Yeah. I need a new crotch.’

‘Come again?’

‘I was running in a race and 500 meters from the finish, I get passed by this...thing and all of a sudden I had a stabbing pain in my groin area.’ The woman’s eyes began to fill up with tears. ‘I had to crawl to the finish. I was on pace to finish first in my age group too.’ She sniffed.

Xenia patted her arm sympathetically. The woman soon shook herself out of her funk. ‘Well, that’s that. I don’t want that happening again, so I thought I would go to the Wizards of Blogland and see if they’ll give me a new groin.’

‘Couldn’t hurt,’ added Xenia.

The woman nodded in agreement. ‘So, what’s your name, chica?’

‘I’m Xenia.’

‘The name’s Marcy. So, are you ready to go?’

Xenia nodded.

As they walked back onto the road, Marcy began to sing, ‘We’re off to see the W...


Marcy stopped singing and stared at Xenia curiously. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘No singing. This is a Non-Singing trip. Got it?’

‘Okay, chica. Whatever you say,’ placated Marcy.

The two women started down the yellow track road towards Nike Town at an easy pace on account of Marcy’s injury and Xenia’s general lack of speed. Two miles on they came upon a curious sight. A shirtless man in running shorts was seated on a log on the side of the road. His right arm rested on his knee with his hand cradling his skull. The man was slowly rocking back and forth and mumbling incoherently.

The women stopped and approached the figure.

‘It’s the Thinker,’ said Marcy.

‘No, this is the Drunk I-don’t-want-to-thinker,’ quipped Xenia.

Slowly coming nearer, the women began to hear the man’s mumblings were a repetition of two words.

‘Wish keys, wish keys...’

‘You’re wishing for keys?’ asked Marcy, perplexed.

‘WISH KEYS!!!,’ yelled the man, his rocking speeding up.

The women scanned the area and quickly spotted a half full bottle of whiskey lying on the ground ten feet from the man. Realizing what he was asking for, Xenia picked up the bottle and gingerly placed it into his free hand. Once the bottle touched his palm, the man, faster than a speeding bullet, unscrewed the cap and downed the contents of the bottle. Sighing, he fully raised his head and opened his eyes. ‘Thanks for that. I’ve been dry for about twenty minutes. Worst experience of my life.’

At the sight of his chest, both women gasped in horror.

‘Homeboy, what happened to your nipples?!’

The man looked down sadly at the places where his nipples once resided but now were just ugly red divots. ‘I was racing in a 5K. I PR’d and came in first in my age group. That night I went to the pub to celebrate and saw this hot girl who was also in the race. I chatted her up, thought I had an ‘in’ if you know what a mean. But then this friend of hers shows up. I can’t remember what she looked like, I was too drunk by then, but I end up taking the friend home and the next morning I wake up, she’s gone and I have no nipples.’

Xenia furrowed her brow in confusion. ‘How do you not realize someone’s ripped off your nipples?’

‘Dude must have gotten into some kinky shit,’ muttered Marcy.

The man shot her a dirty look.

‘Hey, just saying,’ said Marcy.

‘Who are you two anyway?’

‘I’m Xenia and this is Marcy. And you?’

‘Name’s Viper. So, where you guys going?’

‘We’re headed to Nike Town to see the Wizards of Blogland.’

‘Huh. Think those guys could help me score some new nipples?’

The women shrugged. ‘Anything’s possible, I guess.’

‘Mind if I join you guys then?’

‘No problem. Just one thing.’

‘What’s that?’

‘Homie, you gotta cover up those craters formerly-known-as-nips. That shit’s just unsightly.’

Viper agreed and begrudgingly used the two My Little Pony band-aids Marcy had in her fuel belt to do the job.

Just as they started to run, Viper began to sing, ‘We’re off to..’


‘What’d I do?’

Marcy looked at him pityingly. ‘Homegirl doesn’t like the singing.’

Viper shrugged indifferently. ‘Whatever.’

With a hard anti-singing glare directed at her travel companions, Xenia continued down the yellow track road, Marcy and Viper alongside her.



Here is the rest of the story:
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5


This thing is taking me a lot longer to write than I thought it would. There will end up being multiple parts and it will likely go into next week. I so didn’t plan this well. But at least it gives me the opportunity to entertain some of you and take some well-deserved pot-shots at others.

Most of you are smart cookies, so I’d put money on you guys knowing who I’ve chosen to be the fourth and final member of the disfunctional quartet making its way to Nike Town. Guess away in the comments. It’ll give me something to read as I procrastinate from writing the rest of this story.

On an actual running-related note, I finally got off my lazy arse last night to do my hill repeats. I was supposed to do seven of them. I got in two. Well, not really even them since by the time I had run up most of the hill a bunch of freaking French middle schoolers were swarming the path. They ruined my time on those two repeats (I had to walk for f*ck's sake!) and made me run into the nettle bushes. I hate preteens. Especially French ones. Petits salauds.

Ciao tutti.


Marcy said...

ROFLMAO!! You know what's funny is that you pretty much have me (as well as Viper) down pat. Except this homegirl would NEVER sing IRL. I'm THAT bad :-X

Ooooo I think I know who the last peep is. Roast his a$s good :P For the Mrs sake of course LOL

RazZDoodle said...

You understand I'm giving you 10000 points for originality on this one!

Viper said...

I take one shirtless run all year and you have me prancing around half naked like some cheap trollop. I see how it is. Well, bring it on.

And here I thought I'd be the Wizard.

Nitmos said...

Funny, "nips" were NOT the appendage I figured Viper didn't have. I guess this is fiction though...

Vanilla said...

Viper, I wouldn't have pictured you as the singing type.

The Laminator said...

Great, great stuff, Xenia! So, so much fun reading your story. Right on with Viper and his 'My Little Pony' bandaids...what an image!

P.O.M. said...

I think I know who the last one is. Someone creamy and white.... ??? Perhaps.

I still can't get over you calling me a beauty queen. SO LOVE YOU FOR THAT ONE!!!!

Running Knitter said...

Awesome! Love it!

Victoria said...

Freakin' hilarious!

And that you ran into french middle schoolers. And that you called them petits salauds and provided a translation. That was funny too.

Carly said...


Great story.

the gazelle said...

If you could get the Wizards to send me some new knees, I would be eternally grateful. Unless those wizards are orthopedic surgeons, in which case I've already got it covered.

Meg said...

This is perfect distraction from lab. Thank you!

Tammy said...


Lily on the Road said...

BAAAWWWWAAAHHHAAAA, I can so see Mrs. N, lov'n the ending!!!

Xenia said...

Marcy--I can't tell which of two people you are referring to, but if it's POM's guess then you're wrong. Has that narrowed it down enough yet?

Viper--There will be much more darkness before the light. Prepare thyself. And you had no chance at being cast as the wizard. I have that reserved for three other goofballs.

Nitmos--I want to mock Viper, not annihilate any shred of dignity he may currently possess. I'll save that for another day.

Anonymous said...

I'm so proud of you at this moment little sis! You have me peeing my pants!

Viv said...

The story is becoming quite the NY top seller quite quickly. It is sad that two of the people in the story i got them right off. HAHAHA We know out blogging buds too well.

Jamie said...

Hilarious! I love it!!!