Friday, 18 July 2008

The Wizards of Blogland (Part 3)

[Editor’s note: To avoid the Land of Confusion, read Parts 1 and 2 first. You’re welcome.]

Xenia, Marcy and Viper continued on the yellow track road. Thankfully, Marcy’s fuel belt was well-equipped to keep them all properly hydrated—Xenia and Marcy with water and Viper with whiskey. Three miles into their run, the trio came across another curious sight. A runner just ahead of them was alternating between running and squatting. He would take two to three running strides and then it looked like his legs locked up a bit causing him to crouch down somewhat while still trying to shuffle forward.

‘What the hell?’ said Marcy.

‘Looks like he’s trying to take a shit,’ remarked Viper.

‘While running?!’ Xenia exclaimed in disbelief. ‘Actually, I think his leg muscles are cramping.'

‘He’s taking a shit,’ asserted Viper.

‘Cramping,’ countered Xenia.

‘Taking a shit.’


‘Taking a shit.’


‘Homie, you all right?’ called out Marcy to the man.

Just then, the man stopped in a squatting position and all of a sudden an object came rocketing out of his bum and smacked into a tree across the road.

‘Whoa!’ exclaimed the women.

‘Taking a shit! I win!’ crowed Viper triumphantly.

The three of them walked over to the man who was now sitting apparently exhausted on the side of the road.

‘Um, I know this might be kind of personal, but what the hell just shot out of your ass?’

The man looked over at the tree. ‘From here, I’d guess it was an apricot, maybe a small peach.’

‘Any reason why you’re firing fruit out of your ass? A new hobby, perhaps?’ snarked Viper.

The man threw Viper a dirty look. ‘It’s supposed to be just strawberries.

Xenia, Marcy and Viper all looked at the man in confusion.

‘Okay, let me explain. I ran in a 5K in Nike Town a year ago and placed first in my age group. All age group winners received a prize from the Wizards of Blogland. The prize was one request, any request as long as it was within the Wizards’ power. Since I’ve already got everything most people want in life (looks, class, prestige, you get the idea), I thought I’d ask for something that would set me apart from the other great people like me out there. So I chose crapping out a pristine chocolate-covered strawberry at the end of every run and race. It’s a great conversation starter.’

The trio stared at the man dumbfounded.

‘What?’ asked the man. ‘What would you have chosen?’ he challenged.

‘How about a brain?’ suggested Viper.

Marcy elbowed Viper in the nipple crater, causing him to wince. ‘So, if you’re supposed to crap out strawberries, why did you just um...produce a different fruit?’

‘That’s the thing. I ran in another race yesterday and everything just went haywire. Before I could finish, my calves started to cramp up and then I felt what I thought at the time was the strawberry about to come out, so I had to stop. Instead, about thirty grapes in quick succession fired out and took down a bunch of people in the crowd. The worst part is that I missed winning my age group by 17 seconds. 17 freakin’ seconds!’ the man yelled furiously. Shaking himself out of his rage, he continued. ‘Now there’s a whole cornucopia of fruit that comes out at random times and my calves keep cramping up.’

‘Aha!’ yelled Xenia victoriously at Viper. ‘Take that, Nippleless Wonder!’

The man looked at them in confusion.

‘Never mind,’ she said. ‘So, what are you doing now?’

‘Well, I was trying to run to Nike Town so I can get the Wizards of Blogland to fix my situation, but it’s been slow going with the uh...faulty wiring and cramping. So where are you guys headed?’

‘We’re going to see the Wizards too.’

‘Why do you need to see them?’

‘I need a new crotch,’ stated Marcy.

‘I need new nips,’ said Viper.

‘I need a dissertation,’ said Xenia.

The man eyed Xenia curiously. ‘One of these things just doesn’t belong here.’

Smarting from the comment, Xenia retorted, ‘Stuff it, Fruit Pooper.’

To avoid a fight, Marcy asked, ‘So what’s your name?’

‘I’m Nitmos. You guys?’

The trio introduced themselves.

‘So, you guys mind helping me get to Nike Town?’

Xenia, Marcy and Viper all looked at each other. Although perturbed by the idea of flying ass-fruit, the women were sympathetic to Nitmos’ situation. Viper very obviously didn’t care to be bothered, but it was two to one, so Nitmos got to join their merry band.

Since Xenia and Viper were the only ones without injured lower bodies, they stood on either side of Nitmos prepared to support him should his calves cramp. Of course, if he got into firing position again, they were set to flee like bandits. Marcy made sure to trot alongside Xenia and steered well clear of Nitmos’ rear end.

Just as they set off at a slow jog, Xenia spied Nitmos opening his mouth and taking a deep breath. Before even one note could pass his lips, Xenia slapped a hand over his mouth. ‘No. No singing. Ever,’ she said sternly.

Nitmos eyed her warily as she removed her hand. ‘Sure.’

The four of them started down the yellow track road once again towards Nike Town, unaware of the dire situation they would soon encounter.



Here is the rest of the story:
Part 4
Part 5

Yes, I cut Part 3 short. I’m giving myself time over the weekend to work out the kinks and, you know, actually write the rest of the story. So far it’s just been swimming around in my very obviously unbalanced noggin.

Have a good weekend, everyone.

Ci vediamo lunedì. (See you Monday)


Nitmos said...

I shat more fruit just reading this.

Apparently, you misunderstood. This is only funny if you slanderize OTHER people.

If my calves weren't all tied up in knots, I'd come over the pond and....

(wait the rest of part 3 to finish the thought)

Nitmos said...

By the way, the fruit? Yep, watermelon.

Running Knitter said...

Thanks for the laugh! :)

Vanilla said...

Nice work! Can't wait for the final installment(s?)

Viper said...

It's amusing how you think you win arguments with me even in your blog.

BTW--You've horribly misrepresented me. I'm not known for being Mr. Helpful.

Happy weekend! Chin up!

Viv said...

He shat chocalate covered strawberries, and I think oh those are damn good.

Have a great weekend!!

Marcy said...

ROFLMAO! Ooohhh chica I probably would've had a diaper and some baby wipes in my belt (force of habit to take tot things LOL) we could have slapped it on Nitmos' a$$ :P

The Laminator said...

Have a good weekend, Xenia. Nitmos shatting different Lifesaver fruit flavors...pure genius.

Lily on the Road said...


too funny!!! OMG, I can't stop laughing!!!

Lily on the Road said...

OMG, I had to come back to eyes were so full of laughing tears the first go round, I wanted to make sure I didn't miss anything....

Yup, I'm still laughing!!

N.D. said...

Love the story so far. Also the italian ending to your blogs :)

Swimfan13 said...

This is the BEST read. Can't wait for the next installment.

P.O.M. said...

Oh this just keeps gettin' better and better!

Non-Runner Nancy said...

Yep, you are off your rocker and we are all reaping the benefits.