Tuesday, 6 April 2010

Open letters

To the guy wearing cargo shorts who passed me during yesterday’s 18 miler:

I see you’re fashion forward backward. However, it’s not appreciated when you pass me in that get-up (nice cotton jumper, by the way) when I’m wearing actual (though admittedly cheap) running gear. I hope you chafed your bits. A lot.

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To the slim Asian chick who was wearing my exact same all-black running outfit:

Whilst it’s embarrassing that we wore the same outfit during our respective runs, it’s bound to happen so no hard feelings. You pulled off the chic ninja look well. However, in the process, you made me acknowledge (against my will) that I was in fact not pulling off that same look. Chubby red-faced ninja? Yes. Chic ninja? No. Thanks a lot, biotch.

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To the asshat who stole the wire basket off of Aeolus when he was parked in MY FRONT YARD:

While I am thankful you didn’t take Aeolus along with the basket, I should inform you that if we ever cross paths, I’ll be turning your testicles into a pair of earrings. You’ve been warned. Have a nice day. F*cktard.

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To my fellow Easter party-goer:

The festivities were quite enjoyable and though most of us were distracted by the antics of the children, I must say your attempts at stealth failed miserably. After the feast, we all heard your likely intended but not silent fart and saw you try to wave it away. Unfortunately it was not odorless. More’s the pity. Why you seemed to think the small kitchen with no open window was the best choice for this endeavor is beyond me seeing as you pretty much ‘nuked’ all the Easter leftovers. What was especially perplexing was the fact that the patio door leading to the outdoors and the lovely spring day was just feet away from you. That was a major tactical error, sir. Hopefully one from which you have now learned something useful.

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To my aching knees:

It appears you dislike runs over 14 miles in length. I do apologize but I did do all that I could to lessen the potential damage by running on the dirt and gravel canal path as much as possible yesterday. I am sorry that I was inconsiderate and neglected to ice you down post-run, but you did not immediately let me know of your discomfort. However, I tip my hat to you for informing me of your uncomfortable state at 5 am this morning, waking me from an already restless sleep. I did say I wanted to start waking up earlier. I just did not envision it in this way. Next time I will be more specific. Please hang in there for another seven weeks. After the marathon I will give you a much deserved hiatus from long runs. Promise.


Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

To my aching knees:

It appears you dislike runs over 14 miles in length. I do apologize but I did do all that I could to lessen the potential damage by running on the dirt and gravel canal path ... etc.

"Please accept these testicle earrings as a token of my regret and also in appreciation of your cooperation in this marathonical endeavor, dear knees."

I hope that comes across as Genteel enough. I curse the fact that it is still April because there is soooo much more I wanted to say about this post!

I would like, shyly and self-effacingly, to note that my comment seems to be FIRST!

Morgan said...

LMAO! Love the open letters! You should make this a regular series, seriously! Great job getting your run on, aching knees and all.

X-Country2 said...

Ha! I love open letters. :o)

Mike Antonucci said...

Little Known Fact: The Great Train Robbery was actually an elaborate scheme to surreptitiously obtain a bicycle wire basket.

Jamoosh said...

SO you're saying cargo shorts STILL aren't in...yet.

Ali said...

yuck ... how sweaty would cargo shorts be???

I love that you use the word 'bits' it so british, I use it all the time!

Also, great point on red faced and sweaty, I see people finish a run ... no sweat, they look the same as when they started ... how is that possible?

The Laminator said...

Geez, it sounds like everyone was really mean to you on your 18 miler, including body parts. What pee'd them off I wonder?

Adam Culp (Crazy Floridian) said...

Nicely done. (I am glad I didn't steal the wire basket. Phew!)

Jess said...

Ha! The fart in the kichen had me LOL. Feel so retarded writing it that way, but it is true.

MCM Mama said...


Hope your knee takes your advice and hangs in there for you. I only wish I was running my marathon in as cool a place as you are.

Danielle said...

In my mind, jumpers are what 10 year old Catholic school girls where (sleeveless dresses which you wear a blouse under). So the first letter is even more amusing in my mind!

RunnuRMark said...

seriously? who the fu*k steals a basket off a bike? Must be an English thing.